Heartless?

Is that what I am?
Is that what I have become?

… I don’t think so, or…?

… Nah…

I still got my heart, but I just don’t get all emotional anymore… Because I’ve learned to see the difference between feelings and needs, and bad habits.
I’ve always had a hard time with feelings, but I’ve been mixing the two things up: emotions and neediness.
Which is what has been getting me in the trap…

… Heartless? Not so much.
More aware of myself? Yes.

… I am not heartless, but I don’t fall anyone and everyone.
No one has really been able to touch me, as in really touch me.

I get this feeling of suffocation when someone comes to close. I get scared, because  I really don’t want to get involved. I don’t need someone that has feelings for me, no, please no.

I just cant. Why cant we just chill? Be friends, hang out. Don’t fall for me, please.

… Easier said than done I guess.
Someone once told me, you’re too attractive to just be friends with.
Ha hell, I know deep down… That every guy friend I have, in some kind of way has some kind of feeling towards me. Gee.

I’m awful at being single, haha. Yes I’m laughing…  Because I feel like I create a mess being single. But I enjoy being single. I don’t want a relationship.

I no longer want to settle for less, no. I want that grand thing, and I won’t settle till I get that. Until then, I’ll do me. I’ll do whatever the hell I want. Fuck what others think, fuck what others say, its about me. I’m important, they’re not.

… I’ll do whatever the hell I please, if it makes me feel good.
Ain’t nobody’s business, I live for myself, not others. Just the way it should be, and no – I’m not selfish, but for once I am putting myself first. My happiness comes first, its easier to make others happy too, when you’re happy yourself.

Keep that in mind.

A functional YOU will do more good for others, so put yourself and your needs first – of course as long as it doesn’t fuck up anyone that matters on the way. Unless you don’t care about that I guess…

I will no longer enter relationships because of someone else’s needs or feelings. No.
Best to hurt them early than late.

I can’t. I can’t be in a relationship. I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want. I want to be free. Myself. Just me. No one else to consider or take care of. All my energy on myself. Because I deserve it. I have an idea of what kind of man I want, and if you don’t fit that description – I’m sorry. You can be nice and all, and hell, there’s a lot of nice guys out there – but that’s no longer enough for me. Nice is not hard to find, I need someone that really sweeps me off my feet. Someone that blows my mind, someone that makes me feel extraordinary feelings. I haven’t found that yet, and you know what? I am perfectly fine with that. Everything at it’s time, things happen as they are supposed to happen. I don’t NEED a partner, no, I need me. I need my sanity, I need to fulfil my dreams, I need to do things. I don’t want to have someone’s happiness depend on me. I can’t take that responsibility right now. Nah. I’m not ready yet…

So… It’s not because I’m heartless, it’s just because I’m not ready. And it’s because I’ve gotten a better idea of what I want and don’t want. I am enlightened.

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