one at a time.

One day at a time.
One thought at a time.
Trying to stay positive.

The road to figuring out yourself and life is not easy.
No one ever said it would be, but I’m determined.

I don’t want average. No. I want to be above.
I want to be in control, I don’t want to just join the flow.
Life is too short.
I’m in search of real happiness and inner peace.

I’ll get there.

 

It’s important to remember the good things in life, and to be grateful… So therefore I’ll state 10 things that I am grateful for, that happened/were possible today:

  1. I woke up
  2. I slept in a warm bed
  3. I woke up in a peaceful place, no war zone, no fear
  4. I had food to eat
  5. I had water to drink
  6. I had clothes to wear
  7. I had a mother to talk to
  8. I had friends to talk to
  9. I had time to waste
  10. I had legs to walk

Why stop there though, I am grateful that I have all daily and basic necessities such as: food, water, clothes, shower, warm bed, roof over my head and health.
I can see, hear, talk, smell, taste and feel. I have 2 legs, 2 arms, and all limbs. I can make my own food, I can go to the bathroom on my own, I can move freely, I can see the world, I can hear the bird, I can smell my morning coffee and taste it.

I’m lucky.
I’m incredible lucky, and I don’t even realize it on a daily basis. What a crime ungratefulness is… Although it is unintentional, but we all take basics for granted.

Something as simple as being able to use all your limbs, imagine not having arms, or being stuck in a wheelchair… It’s not the end of the world, no. BUT many of us have the privilege of having the freedom of mobility, and we forget – we take it for granted.

We shouldn’t.
Every day we should remember what we HAVE and what we CAN do. Not what we DONT have or what we CANT do.
No.

Focus on the positive aspect of things in life, not the negative.
Life is too short.
The mind is too complex, and changing your way of perceiving and thinking can make a huge difference.
Instead of complaining about not having milk left for your coffee – remember that you’re privileged and lucky enough to even drink coffee, you’re privileged and lucky enough to be able to go and buy more milk… To add to that, you’re so lucky that you can in fact MOVE on your own to go and get more milk, you can afford it, you have the opportunity of getting it.

It’s all a matter of perspective, and in the end that’s what life comes down to.
Your life is how you choose to see it.

You want to be happy or you want to be sad?
Start with your way of perceiving. Be positive.

too tired.

Too tired to express.
Too tired to think.
Too tired to feel.

Lately I’ve just been too tired.

Too tired to live.
Too tired to care.
Too tired to do.

I want to think about how I feel, I want to think about why I feel what I feel.
But I am too tired.
Too tired to truly care.

“I love you”, she said to herself, “but right now I cannot deal with your mind. I’m too tired.”

Poem: connected yet disconnected.

All alone in this big world.
A world made small by the Internet.
A world made connected by social media.
Connected.
Yet so disconnected.

Connected across borders, cultures, continents, endless connections.
Yet we are all so disconnected. Disconnected to each other, disconnected to ourselves.
In the midst of this vortex of ‘sociality’ we lose the actuality of reality and real sociality.
We lose sense of self.
We lose sense of reality.
We lose sense of life.

Suddenly there’s a shift in meaning.
A shift in what has meaning in our lives.
A shift in life purpose.
A shift that has no purpose.
A shift that has no meaning.

All of a sudden it’s about all the meaningless things.
All of a sudden all the meaningful things become abnormalities.

Seeking a rush of adrenaline becomes abnormal.
Seeking towards nature becomes abnormal.

Posting selfies becomes normal.
Exploiting our bodies in a sexual way becomes normal.
Chasing likes, acknowledgement and approval becomes normal.

Everything external and impersonal becomes normal.
Everything internal and personal becomes abnormal.

A shift.

A shift that creates an empty space as meaning is drawn out.
Nothing is left.
Empty.
Meaningless.

We try to find our meaning externally.
This approach will never fill us.
We will forever be hungry.
A hunger that can never be filled.

Soon enough grey washed canvases will walk the earth like walking dead.
No more colorful canvases, canvases each unique to their own.
No more canvases painted by he who carries it.
No.
Canvases painted by everyone else than the carrier.
Canvases that all look the same.
No color. No imagination. Nothing beautiful.

Grey.
Dead.
Meaningless.

 

Poem: Surrounded yet alone.

I’m standing in a room.
Surrounded by one hundred people.
One hundred people that know my name.
Fifty people I have interacted with.
Twenty-five that I’ve conversed with.
Ten that I’ve hung out with privately.
Five that I consider my friends.
Two that I consider close friends.
One I feel I can tell almost anything.
Zero that at all times know how I really feel.
Surrounded by one hundred people, yet none.

I’m home.
Home alone.
Surrounded by four walls.
Surrounded by twenty virtual people.
Twenty people I’m communicating with.
Three of which I enjoy communicating with.
Only one who truly cares.
Only one who genuinely appreciates you.
Connected with twenty “friends”, yet alone.

Lonely. Lonesome.
All alone.

neglect.

I’ve neglected myself.

I really have… I haven’t set time aside for myself.
I’m so worried about running, keeping myself busy… That I’ve neglected myself.
I can’t find the energy for it…

I’m tired.
I’m running out of money.
I’m frustrated.
I’m stressed.
I’m scared.

I’m… Lost.
I’m drained.
… And I’m running.
Running away… Because I can’t find the energy to do anything else, not realizing that the running is draining me more.

I know I need to ‘DO’ something. I know I need to get my shit together.
I know.

But knowing and finding the motivation to doing is not the same.

I’m tired. Tired of myself. Tired of my ways. Tired of my mind…
I don’t need anyone to accept me. I need to accept myself.
I need to really love myself.
I need to fill up my own cup.
I need to take control.

Im tired. And I’m tired of being tired.

tick tock.

Times waits for no man.

It really doesn’t, one thing in life you cannot buy, cannot reverse, cannot touch – is time.

Right now I’m just passing time. Why?
Because sometimes its okay to just take time to waste time, sometimes you just need that. Doing absolutely nothing.

I need to figure out myself, once again. I need to reload. I need to find meaning. I need to find myself. I need to find feeling, love and sense. I need to once again regain the joy of life, understand myself.

I am tired. I need to allow myself to be tired. I need to accept that sometimes its okay to be tired. However I should allow this, but work towards getting back up at the same time. Its about balance.
Making sure that I don’t give up – otherwise It’ll end in depression, which is the last thing I want.

Tick tock.

Not enough time in a day.
Not enough time in a lifetime.

Time.

Tick tock.

We only get older.
The time is NOW.
Do what you need to do, make yourself happy.

Do what you dream of, don’t waste your time.
Tomorrow is never promised.

I need a change of scenery.

Dear Life,
Please give me strength. Please give me patience.

Dear Universe,
Please. Please let my dreams come true. Please.

Dear Source Energy,
Please take me away. Take me away from this scenery that I can’t stand and place me somewhere else where I belong.

… I don’t belong here.
I feel it deep down. I can’t stand being here.
I don’t belong. I don’t belong here.

My body is here, my physical existence, but my heart is not. My heart is somewhere else, lost. No connection between body and heart… And even mind if you like.

I need to get away.
I can’t be here.
I can’t do this.

Travelling is my escape. It lets me forget. It lets me grow. It lets me live.
I’m free. I’m me. I’m careless. I’m alone.

I don’t like this place. I don’t like the people.
… Perhaps I don’t like myself?

Please take me away. I deserve this. I need this. Please.
I want this. I have to have this.
I need a change of scenery, its not a question of ‘can I’, but ‘I have to’ and ‘I will’.
However the ‘when’ part is not in my hands…

Should I do it? Like I did last time?
Order a ticket and leave the day after? To a new place, where I know no one, to a new place on my own. Should I?

I mean, why not, right?
Why am I more scared this time than last time? Or did I forget the feeling?
I feel deep down that I need to do this once again. I feel like I have to do this. It almost feels wrong not to do it.
What do you have to lose girl? Money? … Yes.
Okay, apart from that? … Nothing.

Money comes, money goes.
Time goes, and never comes back.

Dont waste your time… Life is too short. Life is too short to be scared. Life is too short to not live.

Pregnancy scare.

I think any woman experiences this at one point in her life? Well at least 80% I’d guess…

Sometimes all the symptoms are there, but there’s nothing.
I’ve tried having ‘symptoms’, where I’ve thought, well I haven’t had sex so its not possible. I’ve thought: thank god I know for sure I cannot be pregnant, otherwise I would’ve freaked out.

Well now, I cannot be all that sure. So I am freaking out.
I had this weird cramping like feeling, like when you get your period, and I thought – well my period is coming. And nothing. No period.
I was supposed to get it a few days ago and I haven’t gotten it yet…

I’ve experienced heartburn, lack of appetite, constipation and being very sleepy, but then again I experience these things on a ‘regular’ basis as well…

I got tested at the doctors today, and it was negative. But I’m not sure if its true or not, now I am just waiting to get my period. I think for the first time ever, I can’t wait to get it… Like please, I can’t be pregnant… Not now. I cant have a child and I just really don’t want to experience an abortion… So it’s lose lose no matter what.

So no I don’t want to be pregnant. I hope the doctors test is right. But I’ve heard stories of women getting tested with negative results and they were in fact pregnant… That’s fucked up. That has me overthinking things. But its probably nothing…

Waiting, waiting, like always.

Dear Period, please show yourself.