I still care, but not that much.

I want to be a big person and say ‘I am happy for you’, but is it bad if I’m actually not? I want you to be happy, whatever makes you happy. I mean… Okay so its kinda weird. Because in reality I dont care if you’re happy or not, I want you to be well. However it just bothers me to see  you be the man for her, that you couldnt be for me. It bothers me because it shows and proves that you were a liar. It bothers me because I have a tendency of taking everything inward, like I wasn’t good enough or something. And truth be told, it was never that I wasnt good enough – I know that, it was just that I wasnt ready enough, at all. I wanted to be, but I wasn’t. Truly, deep down, I wasn’t. Have you moved on because you thought that we could never be, or because that was the choice you truly felt for?

I don’t know, as I write these things, it’s like my mind realizes, that in fact I dont care. Well, I do, but not in the way I thought. I am happy for you. If you can make one person’s life on this earth better, then that’s progress from who you used to be – and I would like to think that I was the reason for that. Because I made it possible for you to seek help and find yourself. I do believe you’ve not quite made it yet, but that is your journey and your life. Although I want you to succeed in life, I cant lie and tell you it would make me happy to see you succeed more than me. Is that mean? I don’t know, I guess its a competion, although it shouldnt be. I know its wrong for me to think that, but I want to win. Out of the two of us, I don’t want to feel like I failed. I want to delete that, but I wrote that… So yea. I mean, I guess your wins and losses dont really affect me, so why do I care?
I dont miss you like I used to, I think about you, but I don’t care like I once did.
I guess in the end I just want to want to care. But deep down I dont. And perhaps I’m not used to that. But it feels quite good. I am on this earth to make something for me, to make something for others.

You and I were never meant to be as lovers for life, just lovers for a while, to show each other what love is not and what love is. To show each other that we all have pain. We all have love. We all have care. To show each other that second chances exist. To show you that good people are out there. To show me that even the sweetest taste can turn bitter.
I want to believe people, but I don’t. I don’t believe anyone – at least not if its something that will have an impact on me. You taught me that seeing is truth as hearing is not. Sounds are lies and actions are truth. 

Does any of what I’ve written even make sense?

Either way, it makes sense to me.

Although I am happy by myself, I hope to find real love. I don’t want temporary love. Although life is temporary, love is timeless. 
I hope one day I will find the yin to my yang. Love that isn’t hard but just is. Communication, understanding and pure love. A man that rests within himself, a man that has so much love to give and isn’t afraid to receive either, a man of his words, a truthful and honest man. I want an angel, because I know I can give him everything I myself long for and more.

Angel. I never quite thought of it like that, but I guess so. An incredible creature of this world. I can’t wait to meet you, I love you already.

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