It’s like I enter a different world…
When I put my headphones on, turn the music up and close my eyes.
I’m no longer here.
I’m in a world where everything is beautiful.
Everything is brighter, warmer and sweeter.
My heart and chest feels like air, it’s not heavy.
Then I open my eyes.
I wonder, should life be like this?
I shouldn’t need to escape reality to be happy.
There’s something I am doing wrong.
But if I don’t do this… This thing that I am doing right now…
What does that make me?
If I don’t get my degree…
Then who am I?
Who am I?
Am I stressing and getting anxiety because of my studies…? Or… Is it because, I no longer know who I am and what I truly want in life?
My identity as a student is coming to an end. A long needed end… But still, who am I then?
And if I don’t finish it… Then everything I have known my whole life will be flushed down the toilet.
Who am I without achievements on paper?
Why do I need a piece of paper to tell me my worth? My accomplishments? My ambitions?
What have I done? Why am I here?
Maybe this is the true reason why I am in a constant state of panic.
Maybe it’s because I’m in fear of saying: fuck this.
My mouth says it, but my actions don’t…
What are you so afraid of?
No paper can or will ever define you.
Do it because you want to do it.
Do you want to do it?
Yes. I want to put a nail in the coffin…
That’s what my mind says… Yet my heart says:
Don’t waste another minute doing something you hate. It may be the last minute you have.
How can I preach something I don’t live? Why am I doing this?
Please universe, help me understand why I am doing this… So I can find the answer to what I should do…
“Do you believe in yourself?” the universe echoed.
I want to say yes, but I think the answer is no…
“There is your answer, child. Without belief and courage, fear will be your leader.” the universe replied.
I took a deep breath. Pushed my tears back. And realized as true as this was, I couldn’t accept it.
Fear. I am letting myself be guided with fear.
I’m sorry courage… But I think fear wins this battle… Even if it’s going against every cell in my body… Even if this is really the reason why I am hurting and sick…
Fear is definitely 80% of why I keep hanging in there and dragging myself through the mud… But the remaining 20% is me telling myself, if you can get through this, you can get through anything. If you can make this happen, if you can achieve this, then everything else will be a piece of cake. Everything else you will achieve from here is from and for the heart, and working with it is easier than what you’re doing now – working against it.
So I guess it’s final.
I’m human too. Like everyone else…
And I’m going to do this one thing, not because it has any meaning. But because it will make me stronger and help me pursue the things I truly want in life…
I may not yet know who I am…
Because ‘I’ keep changing… And I can never really keep up…
But I know who I am not.
I know what I don’t want…
And both of those are steps closer to finding out who I am and what I want…
What about you? Who are you? What do you want?