Tomorrow, I win.

I want to win.

I want to win so badly.

I need to win.

I will win.

 

I will win now.

I am the winner.

I won.

I won it.

It’s mine.

I am the winner.

I am the winner of it all.

I won.

I have won.

The prize is mine.

Tomorrow will be a turning point in my life.

I will be the winner.

I will win.

Today.

Tomorrow.

Always.

I am the winner.

Believe it. Become it. Be it.

I will win.

The year is coming to an end.

I need it to end with victory.

It will end with a life changing victory.

It will happen.

It will.

I will win.

I have won.

I am winning.

I am the winner.

Dear Universe,

Please. I need to win. I want to win. I will win.
Please help me win. This is what I want.

A ticket. A straw.
An oxygenmask so I can breathe.

Dear universe, please let me win so I can breathe again.
I need a break from my mind and suffocation.

I need to win.

I will win.

I have won.

I am the winner.

It’s mine, all mine.

The prize is mine.

It’s mine.

It’s mine.

I have won.

I am the winner.

I WILL WIN.
I WON.
I AM THE WINNER.
ME.

 

 

 

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I’m human too.

It’s like I enter a different world…

When I put my headphones on, turn the music up and close my eyes.

I’m no longer here.

I’m in a world where everything is beautiful.

Everything is brighter, warmer and sweeter.

I’m floating.

My heart and chest feels like air, it’s not heavy.

Then I open my eyes.

I wonder, should life be like this?

I shouldn’t need to escape reality to be happy.

There’s something I am doing wrong.

But if I don’t do this… This thing that I am doing right now…
Then what?

What does that make me?

If I don’t get my degree…
Then who am I?

Who am I?

Am I stressing and getting anxiety because of my studies…? Or… Is it because, I no longer know who I am and what I truly want in life?

My identity as a student is coming to an end. A long needed end… But still, who am I then?
And if I don’t finish it… Then everything I have known my whole life will be flushed down the toilet.
Who am I without achievements on paper?

Why do I need a piece of paper to tell me my worth? My accomplishments? My ambitions?

What have I done? Why am I here?
Why?

Why?

Why?

Maybe this is the true reason why I am in a constant state of panic.
Maybe it’s because I’m in fear of saying: fuck this.
My mouth says it, but my actions don’t…

What are you so afraid of?

No paper can or will ever define you.

Do it because you want to do it.
Do you want to do it?

Yes. I want to put a nail in the coffin…

That’s what my mind says… Yet my heart says:

Don’t waste another minute doing something you hate. It may be the last minute you have.

How can I preach something I don’t live? Why am I doing this?
Please universe, help me understand why I am doing this… So I can find the answer to what I should do…

“Do you believe in yourself?” the universe echoed.
I want to say yes, but I think the answer is no…

“There is your answer, child. Without belief and courage, fear will be your leader.” the universe replied.

I took a deep breath. Pushed my tears back. And realized as true as this was, I couldn’t accept it.
Fear. I am letting myself be guided with fear.
I’m sorry courage… But I think fear wins this battle… Even if it’s going against every cell in my body… Even if this is really the reason why I am hurting and sick…

Fear is definitely 80% of why I keep hanging in there and dragging myself through the mud… But the remaining 20% is me telling myself, if you can get through this, you can get through anything. If you can make this happen, if you can achieve this, then everything else will be a piece of cake. Everything else you will achieve from here is from and for the heart, and working with it is easier than what you’re doing now – working against it.

So I guess it’s final.
I’m human too. Like everyone else…
And I’m going to do this one thing, not because it has any meaning. But because it will make me stronger and help me pursue the things I truly want in life…

I may not yet know who I am…
Because ‘I’ keep changing… And I can never really keep up…
But I know who I am not.
I know what I don’t want…

And both of those are steps closer to finding out who I am and what I want…

What about you? Who are you? What do you want?

 

 

 

Dear anxiety, please let me finish this.

I’m on the verge of crying every moment.

I have tears in my eyes from the moment they open, till I close them again.

I don’t think my level of anxiety has ever been as bad as it is now.

I feel like I am on the edge…

I question my existence, my path in life, everything.

I’m not sure about anything anymore.

I know it’s the anxiety speaking.

I’m fighting, I don’t want to spiral…

But my anxiety has a grip on my heart and mind.

I’m suffocating. I am smothering myself.

For what? I wan’t to say: I quit. And be over with it. But, then what?
Then I have wasted 2,5 years? All because I couldn’t pull it together… No.

I can’t … It would be foolish.

I want to. I sure as hell want to say F*** it.

But I have to stay focused and remember why I am here today at the road that I am.

I need to see this through…

Dear anxiety,
Please let me finish this chapter of my life. It’s been going on for too long already.

Happy 4 year anniversary!

Happy 4 year anniversary WordPress and followers!

It’s been 4 years since I started this blog.

I’ve been scrolling through my older posts… So many things I’ve forgotten with time.

It’s funny, how much a person can change.
I’ve changed a lot in just one year.
And hopefully I’ve changed in a year from now too.

Time is a weird concept. But whats even weirder is life. I doubt I’ll ever quite figure it out… But I am happy, that’s the most important thing.
I’ve never been more happy and free than I am right this moment, and hopefully that statement will be true every day from now.

Of course no one is happy every single day, but I don’t measure it like that. We all have good days and bad days, but I mean overall happiness…

I really don’t like Christmas/holiday time… I love how there are lights and decorations everywhere, especially because it gets so dark so early in the wintertime here… But apart from that, I really dislike it. The month of December, probably even November… And the aftermath in January – just awful, if you ask me. I hate that there are so many people everywhere, and people are just acting crazy… Everyone is spending ridiculous amounts of money, and the whole focus of the season is in materialism and not love nor gratitude. That’s what I dislike. I’m not a fan of being in large crowds of people, everyone going somewhere and you’re back to back, people accidentally – or on purpose, pushing you. I just hate it. It stresses me out.

I say, I am kind of like the Grinch, but just better looking.
I guess that’s all for this post. 4 years went by fast, I’ve grown so much since the beginning in Dec. 2013.

Much love,
xoxo
LFT

 

Anxiety.

My heart beats faster every time you are near.
You make my mind race, I can’t think clear.

I feel uneasy in my body, in my skin.
It’s like getting suffocated by a twirl of wind.

You can’t see it, but it’s there.
You can only feel it, just like air.

It’s like a heavy burden on my heart,
an ache so strong it feels like I am falling apart.

Thoughts race in my head so fast, I can’t single them out.
I can’t tell if they’re mine or what they’re about.

I feel like a prisoner in my own head,
am I still here or am I dead?

 

 

 

I’ve lost it – struggle is real.

I’ve lost it.
‘It’ being my will to do as society wants me to do. I never thought ending a chapter in my life would be this hard. I want it to end, but yet I don’t want to put in the work. Because I simply just don’t care enough about it anymore.
I’m talking about my degree.
I just need to write my dissertation. Last thing. Last step. Yet I’ve been extending the deadline for months. And now I am once again right on the edge with the deadline. Still… No progress… Why though? I mean I know why, no passion – no motivation.

But it’s really bad, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it…
It’s bad. I can’t give up now. Last step. Last f!”#ing thing.
Okay well to be fair it’s not like its 10 pages, it’s about a book. That’s definitely partly the reason why it seems like it’s impossible… But apart from that, I have no genuine interest in doing it….

Oh life.
The me now would tell younger me to have stopped after my last degree. But I didn’t know any better then….

It is what it is.

I just gotta suck it up. But I don’t think I’ve ever struggled as badly as right now.
Struggle is real.