Still waiting for that life changing turn.
That moment, that thing, that will turn my life upside down – in a good way.
An easy way I guess… Too easy to perhaps ever come true?
I don’t know.
Everyone wants some type of chance and shot in life that will help them achieve their dreams and goals… And most of us want it without working for it.
And whilst I do too, it’s not that I’m too lazy to work for it and I want it served.
It’s just… I’m not confident enough… I don’t believe enough in myself.
So… I want this almost unachievable thing to come true.
Something everyone pretty much dreams of, because it takes no work and all luck.
No work, just luck, that sets a way for all of your dreams to come true and most of your worries to go away…
Almost too good to be true, and it pretty much is – most of the time, for most people. Well probably for 99.9999998% of the world (just to put it into perspective).
So why me? Why do I think I could be one of those 0.0000002% that would have that one dream come true, which could unlock the rest of my dreams?
I don’t know…
Do I deserve it more? Heck no. I am equal to most, if not everyone.
I’m not better, I don’t deserve more…
But… I just want to be a part of that small percentage… But what have I even done to deserve it? I haven’t worked my ass off for much in life to be honest… Well nothing that matters too much at least… I’m a scurdy pants that needs a safety net before I dare to just throw myself into the many projects I dream of… I am a coward.
Everyone thinks I’m so brave and courageous… But the truth is, I’m a coward. I may be brave and courageous in some aspects of life, but not all…
Most of all, I am scared of myself.
I am scared of life.
I am scared of failure.
I am scared of success.
I am scared of putting myself out there.
I am scared of rejection.
I am scared of getting laughed at.
I am scared of disappointing myself.
I am scared of not reaching my goals.
I am scared of becoming what I hate most in life.
I am scared of me.
Maybe all this fear is why I’m turning towards death…
Maybe I’m so scared of life, that I have turned that into being comfortable with death. With giving up. Even though, I’m not sure what I would be giving up on?
I don’t know.
I guess all lives are books, stories – most untold.
And perhaps that’s my mission in life, write the best book I can…
One of the best books some people in this world will read…
Maybe that’s my purpose…
I want to be remembered by touching hearts not triggering lust or jealousy.
I know for sure, I’ve touched more than one heart in this life, so really, the mission I’ve given myself in life… Has already been accomplished. If I die tomorrow, I will know that I’ve made at least one persons life better… And that’s what matters the most to me. Not how many friends I have, how popular I am, how many people know me, what I own and how much money I have… Because lord knows all of those are on the low-end of things, and I’m totally okay with that right now…
I need to be okay with who I am, where I am in life, in order to move forward and figure out what I really want.
My life hasn’t been a total waste, even though sometimes I bash myself when looking at others… And thinking man, this person is younger than me and ahead of life. They’ve made it – financially or with their career, and I’m not even halfway… I catch myself thinking, why wasn’t I innovative at 20 years old, there were so many markets where I could’ve grown and hit jackpot today… In so many different aspects, if only I had sorted my head and life out then, instead of now… And I just think, I’ve lost time…
But then again I try to remember, that there are people out there, way older than me, who haven’t figured out or accomplished just half of what I have… And so I try to remind myself, that we’re all different, we all have our own stories and journeys.
Where I am right now is perfectly fine and perfect for me, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I am more than enough. And I am more than okay. And I am an awesome person. And everything will be fine. Everything will work out.
And… If the Universe wants me to get that gift, it will let me have it. All I have to do is continue to believe… And if I can believe in the almost unachievable… Perhaps that will teach me to believe in myself too. That’s all I can really say…
Dear Universe, I want this to happen. But I accept that this is one of those few things, that is ultimately your choice to make and not something I can in any way work towards. The goal is something I can work towards, but the route I am wishing for is not one that can be taken without your doing. It’s all about the magic and power of luck – or perhaps luck is in reality destiny and fate? So if it is my destiny, it will happen – I guess…