You are a stranger

Do you feel the way I do?
Do you think about me too?

Are you confused or are you clear?
Are you driven by love or by fear?

Do you want more or do you want less?
Do you show to tell or is it to impress?

I can’t figure anything out.
All I know, is that I’m full of doubt.

I don’t trust strangers with my heart.
I did it once and it was torn apart.

Who are you and what’s your deal?
What do you want from me, what do you feel?

I wonder if true love is even real.
If it is, could it make my heart heal?

My heart isn’t broken, it’s just dead.
It drowned in all the tears I shed.

The past is the past and we’ll leave it there.
But I’ll still wonder about the present, and if you care.

Do you lust me or is it more?
Have you ever done anything like this before?

You are a stranger, yet you’ve touched my lips.
A stranger, who has caressed my hips.

I don’t know who you are, or what you want.
I don’t know if I want to know, cause we may not bond.

You are a stranger and I have no feels,
I put on my clothes and start the wheels.

 

 

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Lost in the space of the pause

Lost in the space of the pause,
it’s the face of the cause
that’s got my mind in a state of loss.

I keep repeating words to myself,
drowning my mind as I dwell.
Trying to change by tomorrow,
like time is something I can borrow.

I forgot and I forget, the purpose of it all.
It’s like I rise just to fall, with no plan at all.

What am I even doing with my time and breath,
nothing I do will take me further from my death.
Death is the only thing that’s for certain,
so make sure to live a life without burden.
I tell myself this every day,
yet taking words and making them reality,
seems to be impossible for me.

I keep hanging in there, watching time pass.
I no longer know who, what or where,
I’m just living in a flash.

 

I want love, not lust.

I wrote a long post and decided to delete it…

Why? Because I felt like I wasn’t being honest, at least not about why I was writing it…

It was about how I’m called beautiful, attractive, good-looking etc. by many people.
The common verdict is that I am a very attractive young woman – even though I don’t really see it. I just feel like I am ‘not ugly’…
Anyway, the post was really about how I sometimes feel like I’m judged too much on how I look rather than who I am… And that I personally feel like I am a great and awesome person, whose inner outshines the outer… But that not all people, especially superficials, can see that.
Basically not too long ago someone just made me feel like that, like I wasn’t more than my looks. Which sucked so bad. It just made me feel sad and brought out some emotions in me that I thought I didn’t have anymore… Which only proves I still have some work to do… But nevertheless it made me upset. That once again I was slightly attracted and charmed by another douchebag, who really didn’t see me as anything else than something to conquer and brag about. Fuck off. The worst part is that the guy is ugly. He’s not attractive, I mean he has a good body, but his face is nothing pretty. Not to me at least, and not next to me for sure. I was slightly attracted to him because he seemed really sweet… Turns out I was soooo wrong. He’s just another immature guy who’s not looking for anything but a good time, and he most likely doesn’t even care who it is. And he most likely has never talked to a girl at my level, and that just makes it more ‘fun’ for him.

Well fuck that. I even told myself I WANT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO’S FUCKING HOT – NO COMPROMISES. But no, my usual self who wants people for who they are and doesn’t prioritize how they look came through. And this time I even picked out someone with a shitty personality, good I found out just in the flirty stage. GOOD GOOD GOOD. Now, why the fuck is it so difficult to find someone who’s beautiful on the outside and inside? I mean, fuck. I feel like I have so much to offer – personality and look wise, why can’t I find the same?

I wasn’t looking for it, but this guy just sparked something within me. He made me think that perhaps I did want to be open to dating again. That perhaps it was time to put down the NO sign and just let it be if it comes…
I’m still there. I am open to dating now, as opposed to previously. I just can’t believe I kissed this douchebag. Over a year of not kissing anyone and I chose this one. Lol. I actually didn’t even want to – but I did it. And I felt nothing. I didn’t feel shit. I wan’t to feel something when I kiss someone. I didn’t even want to continue kissing him, I wanted it to end – I didn’t lust for more and I didn’t feel anything… I don’t know.

I guess it was a good thing, because now I know… That kissing AND sex are things I only truly enjoy if I truly like a person and I feel safety and love. Because then I can open my heart and pour out all the love, which is what makes intimacy truly magical. A kiss without that, is just a kiss, like kissing a fruit or a wall – it doesn’t really matter. Same with sex. It’s the emotions, the energy and connection that makes it amazing and that makes it feel good in a way that just can’t be felt with just anyone and everyone…

I know what I want… Because I know what I don’t want.

I want more. I want real. I want deep. I want love, not lust.