I really do ponder and wonder. It kinda makes me sad to think, that maybe I can’t or won’t. It makes me sad to think that maybe I am unable to love… Or maybe there is no such thing as true love in the sense that I believe, or hope, that it exists…
It saddens me to think that I may never get those lovey and ‘flying on a cloud’ feelings… To be fair, the lack of those feelings even mean that I don’t really get anything out of sex… It’s like I’m not truly present, not really feeling what’s happening. I’m just absent. I’m not there.
There’s plenty of great guys out there, but… It takes more than that.
Fuck. I haven’t even truly defined what I want… So how the hell would the universe give it to me?
No wonder I keep getting guys that are great, but not great for me… Maybe that’s it?
I don’t know… Honestly… I’m about to give up. Give up on love. Give up on dating… Maybe even give up on life.
I really struggle to see what the meaning is. What my purpose is.
Why I’m here doing this?
I really do have thoughts of dying on almost a daily basis.
I think about how it would feel to die. How it would feel for life to slip away from you.
And if it would even matter. Why does it matter? I can’t see why life matters. Or my existence. Or anything for that sake.
I just want to disappear. I just want to go away. I want to not exist. I want to be gone.
Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing matters… Everything is just meaningless and pointless… And truthfully, I think I’d rather just die. I really don’t blame celebrities that overdose, you get on a high where your body and everything feels good… And then you go out, like a light. And that’s it.
I’ve never been high to know what it feels like, but I just imagine that’s how it feels. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense…
But yea, perhaps the blessed are those that are gone and the cursed are those who are still here… Who knows. It could be the opposite too.
I only know one thing, which is that I don’t know anything.
I’m nobody. I don’t matter. I don’t matter to this world. Nothing matters.