Not obsessed.

At a moment where I was feeling down and sad, hugging him made all the tension and sadness leave my body. I felt relaxed.

Maybe I’ve been overthinking. Maybe I should just go with what I am feeling – but without giving up on myself, my goals, dreams and visions. Never sacrifice, because that will leave me unhappy. Compromise and sacrifice are two different things, even with compromises there should be something to win, if you only lose – you’ll wind up unhappy.

He makes me smile. He makes me feel good. I do wonder if there is a feeling of feeling even more ‘happy’ or whatever you wanna call it… But at the same time, I haven’t felt this happy about someone in a long time.

It’s different with him. This is the first time ever I’ve dated someone and resorted my ‘daddy issues’. This is the first time I’m dating someone because it’s nice – not because I needed to fill a void. It feels different – whilst I am happy and he makes me smile and talking about it to others makes me all giggly – I am not obsessed. This feels healthy.

 

Advertisements

About to give up on love.

I really do ponder and wonder. It kinda makes me sad to think, that maybe I can’t or won’t. It makes me sad to think that maybe I am unable to love… Or maybe there is no such thing as true love in the sense that I believe, or hope, that it exists…

It saddens me to think that I may never get those lovey and ‘flying on a cloud’ feelings… To be fair, the lack of those feelings even mean that I don’t really get anything out of sex… It’s like I’m not truly present, not really feeling what’s happening. I’m just absent. I’m not there.

There’s plenty of great guys out there, but… It takes more than that.

Fuck. I haven’t even truly defined what I want… So how the hell would the universe give it to me?
No wonder I keep getting guys that are great, but not great for me… Maybe that’s it?
I don’t know… Honestly… I’m about to give up. Give up on love. Give up on dating… Maybe even give up on life.

I really struggle to see what the meaning is. What my purpose is.
Why I’m here doing this?
I really do have thoughts of dying on almost a daily basis.
I think about how it would feel to die. How it would feel for life to slip away from you.
And if it would even matter. Why does it matter? I can’t see why life matters. Or my existence. Or anything for that sake.

I just want to disappear. I just want to go away. I want to not exist. I want to be gone.

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing matters… Everything is just meaningless and pointless… And truthfully, I think I’d rather just die. I really don’t blame celebrities that overdose, you get on a high where your body and everything feels good… And then you go out, like a light. And that’s it.
I’ve never been high to know what it feels like, but I just imagine that’s how it feels. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense…

But yea, perhaps the blessed are those that are gone and the cursed are those who are still here… Who knows. It could be the opposite too.

I only know one thing, which is that I don’t know anything.

I’m nobody. I don’t matter. I don’t matter to this world. Nothing matters.

Is it my gut?

You know how they always say ‘trust your gut feeling’?
And you know how you always second guess it anyway?
Story of my life.

I think that 99%, if not 100%, of the time my gut feeling is true.
Well right now my gut is desperately trying to tell me that the guy I’m seeing is not for me. But I’m trying to tell myself – maybe it’s not that, you just need to give it time.

And you know, maybe I do need to give it time… Because otherwise I might end up in a ‘what if’ situation… And that’s never a good thing… However, I’m pretty sure my gut is telling me this isn’t right for me…

I don’t feel lovey dovey, I don’t really care for him right this moment, in fact I even feel a little yucky. And this is soooo typical me, it’s nothing new… This is me. I don’t know man.

I’m not patient, I want to know whether or not I should be investing time in this… Maybe that’s what’s rushing me into making a ‘go or no go’ choice. And obviously ‘no go’ is my go to choice, because there are no real losses. I don’t know man…

It’s confusing.

Love is confusing.
Dating is confusing.

I don’t even know how I feel… What I feel…

Stop playing games.

“You’re easy to talk to. You don’t take hours or days to respond to my messages.” “You’re easy to make plans with.” “That’s what I really like about you.”

I find it quite worrisome to hear that… And yes, this was something someone told me the other day…

I think the problem is that there are too many games. All meaningless. We waste our own time, we waste other people’s time… We feed our egos, needs, insecurities… Those things seem to matter more than just being real, honest and straightforward.

If you like someone, you like them – end of story. Stop playing hard to get or this and that. Sure it may seem like you’re wanted and the feeling of being chased may feel good. But then what? The problem with games is, that a game always has an end, and when that end comes – then what? Someone wins and someone loses, and that’s all you’re gonna get. To be playful with one another and to play games is not the same.

If you don’t like someone, if you’re not interested in them – then stop entertaining them. Why are you giving out signals that don’t match your interests? Don’t. You’re wasting their time and perhaps even hurting them – don’t be that person. Don’t be that person that makes another person go miles or make themselves less – that’s cruel. Why would you do that? It’s sad that they would do that to themselves, don’t allow that. If you’re not sending wrong signals or communicating anything that would be misleading and they still do that – that’s on them, and that’s even sadder. But honestly, so many people are out there leading others on and enjoying how far they’re willing to go… It’s sickening. They even feel proud about how they can ‘just message someone and they’ll be there in a jiffy’. That’s a red flag, anyone who’s like that is not only a narcissist and ego-feeder – but someone you should stay the hell away from, even as a friend…

 

Everything, but time, is replaceable.

I feel like I keep looking for reasons to dislike you. I keep looking for flaws so I can keep my distance… I’m not sure if I really like you or why I’m doing this… I just know I’m keeping my distance, because I don’t wanna get hurt.

Uncertainty. It’s not because you’re the one providing it, I’m contributing too. I don’t even know what I want… I want my freedom, but to love and care for someone is nice too… I thought I was ready, well… I was telling myself I was maybe ready to get on the market and kinda date a bit, nothing serious… Nothing like this at least. I feel like I may be semi falling for you, but I also feel like perhaps I’m not – and it’s just nice to feel the warmth and embrace of another person…

If I’m being honest and harsh… You’re not what I’m looking for… But do I even know you well enough to say that?
I mean I have this vision, this idea… This ‘goal’ if you will… And you don’t fit in the box… But then again, I’ve never been a fan of boxes. I’m so confused.

I’m not only confused, I’m scared too. I think I’m scared to love, scared to trust, scared to get hurt. I know – most people are… But I’ve never really been like this… But now, it’s different. I used to be fearless going into things. Now I contemplate a lot… I guess there’s more to lose. Does that mean that there’s more to gain too?
I honestly think the biggest deal for me is heartbreak. I can’t be bothered. Just the thought of it makes me kinda anxious… And even when I’m the one who breaks things off, I still feel sad and heartbroken. I’m not scared about getting dumped, I’m just scared of being sad. I’m scared of letting a person in and losing them… I guess I’m scared of abandonment? I don’t know… Or perhaps I’m scared of losing time and energy into something that won’t grow into anything – but then again that’s life… That’s how it is with everything…

Something is holding me back though, I can feel it, but I can’t quite pinpoint what exactly it is…

It’s funny how awful heartbreak is whilst you’re in it, and it will feel like you can never heal… And then as time passes, you find someone else… And it’s like it never mattered. It’s strange. It’s strange to think how everything but life itself, is replaceable in this world…

I quite like that actually, but with a rephrase:

Everything, but time, is replaceable.

 

‘Too many’ options.

I don’t know what value I have. I don’t know what I should do.
I’m not sure where my calling is… I mean I have so many different ‘talents’, all that need work to become real talents. But what I mean is that I have ‘too many’ options – which is of course better than too few, but still very confusing…

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I need to take risks. Like I need to go big. I need to do something amazing, crazy… Something out of my comfort zone… I need to live again. Take a chance, do something… Right now I’m doing nothing… And I feel lost…

Trust issues?

I don’t think I trust people… I don’t trust anyone. I can’t trust anyone…
And I think that may be a problem…
I don’t trust or believe the words people say and I don’t really believe much in actions anymore either.
I don’t know… I just don’t feel like I can trust on anyone. Count on anyone… Or even believe in anyone.

People are fake, confused, they got issues, needs… You name it. All the ‘wrong’ things that will make you ‘cling’ to a person. And therefore I always question people’s behaviors and motivation… I feel like I’m too tired of previous relations to care too much about forming new ones. It’s almost like I don’t care enough to put trust in people… Or perhaps I don’t trust enough to care about people… Either way, I’ve realized that I don’t trust and so I can’t be 100, I can’t let myself feel – like really feel. It’s like there’s a block. It’s an emotional and physical block. It’s a wall that prevents deeper feelings. It’s a blockage that prevents me from feeling and being 100% present with a person…

I don’t trust people to treat me right – because I don’t expect them to do so… And once you stop expecting certain behaviors, that’s when the lack of trust kicks in too. Whilst it’s good to not have expectations to a large degree, I think I’m getting to feel, see and know the downsides too. The downside is that I’m not letting myself truly feel, because I’m scared. Scared of getting hurt. Hurt comes from trust. Trust is sometimes built on expectations and partly certainty. Certainty towards a persons behaviors and actions, which goes back to expectations again really…

Do I have trust issues?
I wouldn’t say so really, I would just say that I don’t think I can count on or believe in anyone but myself really… And if that means I have trust issues, then I guess I do…