Today?

Will today be the day?

Imagine it.

Feel it.

Imagine that today is that day.
What day?
The day where your biggest dream came true.
Imagine.

How does it feel?

Good right?

Hold on to that feeling.

I hope today will be that.
Today will be that day.
That day where the impossible good happens.
That day where the answers to all your and others problems is answered.

That day what you dreamt of, will happen.
That day where pure luck strikes you.
Why you?
Why not you? That is the question.

Today will be that day where I no longer need to worry about much anymore.
Please Universe, let that day be today.
Let me win today.
Let me get that feeling in my chest, all over my body, that feeling of something being so unreal and good. That feeling of being so god damn lucky that you cannot even believe it.

Today will be that day.
I put my bet.
Let me win.

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I’m not sure.

I’m not sure where to go for answers… Where to find them. How to find them.
I’m not sure how I should take the leap of faith.
I’m not sure on what I should take the leap…

I feel so confused.
I feel lost.
I feel like I’m not doing enough.
I feel like there are certain things I should’ve achieved by now.
I feel like I’m too old to be where I’m at right now.

And I’m hard on myself. I know…
But what am I doing with my time?
How am I moving forward or towards where I want to be?
I’m not.
I’m wasting time.
I’m spending my time on others.
And quite frankly, it doesn’t feel good.

I really wanna get away.
Somewhere. Anywhere.
I feel like I need some peace of mind.
I feel like there’s something inside me that needs to be unleashed.

I’m blessed.
I’m grateful.
But I’m confused…
I’m so confused.

Should I pray?

Dear Universe,

should I pray? Or should I visualize and pretend that what I want is already my reality?

I’m not sure. I’m afraid to hope, because I’m afraid to disappoint myself.

I don’t want to hope. I want to believe.

So I guess that’s what I’ll do… Believe.

 

Dear Universe,

Instead of praying, I will thank you.

I will thank you for the blessings that I know will come my way.

Thank you.

Thank you for making it possible for me to land that job.

Thank you for making it possible for me to get that apartment.

Thank you for helping me move on with my life.

Thank you.
__________________

Repetition, visualization and belief. – An exercise

That job is mine. That job is mine. That job is mine.
They will call for an interview.
They will love me after the interview.
I will be hired.
That job is mine.
That job is mine.
I am the person that will get hired for that job.
That job is mine.

That apartment is mine. That apartment is mine. That apartment is mine.
They will contact me to sign the papers.
My name will be on the door soon.
That apartment will belong to me.
The apartment is mine. The apartment is mine.
I am the person who will live in the apartment.

That job and apartment are both mine.
They are for me. They are mine.

 

I’m not good enough.

Does it really matter if he is Mr. Right or not?
It’s not like I’m seeing anyone else or the opportunity of seeing someone else has come up. I wasn’t seeing anyone before him, not really, and I haven’t met anyone new either… So does it really matter if he’s right for me or not? I’m not losing anything anyway, I’m not closing doors… It feels good to have someone to give some love to and receive som love from. Physical touch feels good. Hugs. Kisses. It feels good. Isn’t that the most important thing? As long as it feels good – it can’t be wrong?

I’m still unsure if we’re a match for life. But does that even matter right now? I don’t think so. As long as I’m happy and it feels good – it’s right. Nothing wrong about it. Unless it makes me feel bad, unhappy or uneasy – anything negative, well then it would be time to stop. But I don’t. I don’t feel anything truly negative. I just have this issue with myself regarding trust and fear I need to get over. I have no reason not to trust him. But I have this fear and insecurity about myself, about not being good enough… About someone else being better, or a better choice and I’m just the choice for now until something better comes along…
And perhaps I have that fear because I have the same thought myself. “What if something better comes along”. But I also know, that when I am committed I don’t get those thoughts, like I never look at someone and think they could be better. That line of thought is completely inexistent in my mind. But I do think it. “What if this isn’t it? What if there is something better?” And perhaps because I think it myself, I fear someone else thinking that too…

‘I’m not good enough’. I didn’t realize it until I just wrote it. That I still have this nagging feeling regarding so many things, that I am not good enough. That I am not enough… I guess that’s something I really need to work on.
Because I am… I am enough. I am good enough. And I am more than enough… The only problem is just that whilst I may sort of know this, I obviously dont believe it.

I guess that’s a new focus point for me. Start believing that I am good enough.

Not obsessed.

At a moment where I was feeling down and sad, hugging him made all the tension and sadness leave my body. I felt relaxed.

Maybe I’ve been overthinking. Maybe I should just go with what I am feeling – but without giving up on myself, my goals, dreams and visions. Never sacrifice, because that will leave me unhappy. Compromise and sacrifice are two different things, even with compromises there should be something to win, if you only lose – you’ll wind up unhappy.

He makes me smile. He makes me feel good. I do wonder if there is a feeling of feeling even more ‘happy’ or whatever you wanna call it… But at the same time, I haven’t felt this happy about someone in a long time.

It’s different with him. This is the first time ever I’ve dated someone and resorted my ‘daddy issues’. This is the first time I’m dating someone because it’s nice – not because I needed to fill a void. It feels different – whilst I am happy and he makes me smile and talking about it to others makes me all giggly – I am not obsessed. This feels healthy.

 

About to give up on love.

I really do ponder and wonder. It kinda makes me sad to think, that maybe I can’t or won’t. It makes me sad to think that maybe I am unable to love… Or maybe there is no such thing as true love in the sense that I believe, or hope, that it exists…

It saddens me to think that I may never get those lovey and ‘flying on a cloud’ feelings… To be fair, the lack of those feelings even mean that I don’t really get anything out of sex… It’s like I’m not truly present, not really feeling what’s happening. I’m just absent. I’m not there.

There’s plenty of great guys out there, but… It takes more than that.

Fuck. I haven’t even truly defined what I want… So how the hell would the universe give it to me?
No wonder I keep getting guys that are great, but not great for me… Maybe that’s it?
I don’t know… Honestly… I’m about to give up. Give up on love. Give up on dating… Maybe even give up on life.

I really struggle to see what the meaning is. What my purpose is.
Why I’m here doing this?
I really do have thoughts of dying on almost a daily basis.
I think about how it would feel to die. How it would feel for life to slip away from you.
And if it would even matter. Why does it matter? I can’t see why life matters. Or my existence. Or anything for that sake.

I just want to disappear. I just want to go away. I want to not exist. I want to be gone.

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing matters… Everything is just meaningless and pointless… And truthfully, I think I’d rather just die. I really don’t blame celebrities that overdose, you get on a high where your body and everything feels good… And then you go out, like a light. And that’s it.
I’ve never been high to know what it feels like, but I just imagine that’s how it feels. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense…

But yea, perhaps the blessed are those that are gone and the cursed are those who are still here… Who knows. It could be the opposite too.

I only know one thing, which is that I don’t know anything.

I’m nobody. I don’t matter. I don’t matter to this world. Nothing matters.

Is it my gut?

You know how they always say ‘trust your gut feeling’?
And you know how you always second guess it anyway?
Story of my life.

I think that 99%, if not 100%, of the time my gut feeling is true.
Well right now my gut is desperately trying to tell me that the guy I’m seeing is not for me. But I’m trying to tell myself – maybe it’s not that, you just need to give it time.

And you know, maybe I do need to give it time… Because otherwise I might end up in a ‘what if’ situation… And that’s never a good thing… However, I’m pretty sure my gut is telling me this isn’t right for me…

I don’t feel lovey dovey, I don’t really care for him right this moment, in fact I even feel a little yucky. And this is soooo typical me, it’s nothing new… This is me. I don’t know man.

I’m not patient, I want to know whether or not I should be investing time in this… Maybe that’s what’s rushing me into making a ‘go or no go’ choice. And obviously ‘no go’ is my go to choice, because there are no real losses. I don’t know man…

It’s confusing.

Love is confusing.
Dating is confusing.

I don’t even know how I feel… What I feel…