There are limits to my existence…

Sometimes I’m sad about feeling alone…
Other times I think, well aren’t we all?
No matter how many friends or family we have, aren’t we all really alone?

I mean sure, some have stronger networks than others… I don’t know, maybe its because I myself don’t have, and probably never really did have, someone or people I could truly 100% rely on. I mean sure, I guess my mom… I know she would be there in the end if something was to happen – and she has been there quite a lot when I truly needed something. It wasn’t always like that, but the past few years she’s tried.

I don’t know… I guess perhaps some of us feel more alone than others, keyword: feel. Because in the end we are all alone. We were born alone. We die alone. And we can never count or expect from anyone else but ourselves. You. You only have you.

It’s a tough thought, but its a real one… I just don’t feel like I truly have anyone I can turn to, always count on, rely on, feel 100% comfortable with… I just feel like I’m odd in this world. I’ve been given so many assets, so many… And I could really do things with it… But I also feel so weird. Sometimes I wish I was dumb, I really do. I wish I just had an average or even low IQ, because… Ignorance is bliss, right?

I’ve given up lately, on life. I think a lot about death, not actual suicide… But just, death. What it feels like to die, and how crazy it would be if this life is just a ‘test’ and death is the way… But I guess one will never know till they die, and then it will be too late to undo if the result isn’t as desired. I think its a nice thought to think it doesn’t end there, but I also believe that death is like being asleep, you just don’t dream and you never wake. You don’t know you’re gone, you just are.

That’s so weird right, I can’t understand it… I can’t understand existence. And no one understands what I mean… It’s not just a thought, its a feeling, its a realization. It’s the knowledge of knowing how the thought really makes you feel and how your brain can’t make sense of it. You just don’t know what I mean, til you know. My experience is, that no one even tries to. No one tries to understand or think it, apparently I’m just weird like that…

I can’t explain it, but its this deep feeling of not understanding… How this existence is all there is. This is all. This. Is all. It’s not a TV show, that you turn off and then there ‘something else’. No this is all. Think about it, this is earth. There is the universe. You’re on earth, there’s life here. Your life. You exist, just here, just now. But then when you die, you don’t. And then what? Then that’s it? And then, why are you even here to begin with? And how? This is all there is, that’s scary. And that thought and feeling, it’s not just a thought or feeling. It’s like a deep trance, where you’re so deep into the thought that it gets this weird feeling out in you… And I can’t put words to it. But suddenly you feel it, you feel your existence and the limitations of it… And it’s scary and confusing… And a bit depressing too…

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No meaning, no life.

I look around. I look at people. I look at how everyone goes about with their day, chores, things, whatever. And I just wonder… What’s the meaning of it all? Do these people even question that themselves? What is this life? We call this life, but this is no life…

We work ourselves to stress, depression and unhappiness… All for what? To pay bills. Repeat. We suffer daily. We are all slaves, but unlike in the past, we choose to be so today. We choose to be slaves, but we don’t even know it. We don’t even know that’s what we are. But we are. Think about it. But then again, what is a slave?
I think we’re slaves because although we think our minds are free, they aren’t. We’ve been schooled through the system of education, society, culture and more, to think a certain way… We’ve been programmed to think certain things are normal and certain things are not, but just because we believe that they are – does that really make them so?

A perfect example is how people in India e.g. are raised to believe that cows are holy, so to them, eating beef is NOT normal. However here in the west, and pretty much everywhere else, that belief is not shared and eating beef IS normal… So who gets to decide what is ‘universally normal’? The answer is no one. Because normal doesn’t exist, it’s something we’ve constructed. It is human nature to belong and with belonging comes traditions, rituals, beliefs and so on and so forth. And that’s where the concept of ‘normal’ comes in. But the truth is that normal doesn’t exist, not really. Whilst it may perhaps exist in e.g. a medical sense, it doesn’t really exist when it comes to learned behaviors. Because normal and normality in that sense is subjective…

Back to the original thought though… I just look around and realize how senseless everything really is, how fragile life is, how fragile humans are, how temporary everything is and how constructed the world is… I kind of get this feeling of sadness… Accompanied by a feeling of emptiness… But most of all I just wonder, I wonder if I will ever be rid of this feeling of just existing… I battle all the time, trying to figure out what will make me feel more alive… More present. More useful to the bigger picture… And what the bigger picture even is. All I know is that I want more… But what the more part entails, I don’t know… Yet.

Soulmate?

Soulmate.

What does that even mean?
What are the limits?
What does it mean to have or be a soulmate?

Everyone has their own definition, even the dictionaries… But they all root in the same thing: love. Having a special connection to someone, mostly it is used in a romantic love type relationship, but it can be referenced to in a non-romantic friendship kind of love to…

Which takes me back to the original question: what does it mean?

Being soulmates, to me, means that you are two pieces that fit, as much as I wanna say perfectly – I don’t believe in perfection… So I wont.

Top of mind I would say that a soulmate is someone who is your ideal match, someone who is a part of you and you feel it in every piece of you – the physical, mental and spiritual you. You are like a lock and key, and whilst any lock can have a key enter, and any key can enter a lock, – not any and all can open…

But then the complicated aspects of life come in… What if you meet your soulmate, but it’s not the right time?
In one way I believe that with a soulmate there is no such thing as a wrong time, but then again… I also believe in destiny, so perhaps soulmates could meet at a time where they haven’t reached the path they should to intertwine their lives?
But I think I mainly leave that out there, because I don’t want to be closed-minded as to what it means… Because who knows until they experience it right?

But if I had to describe what I think a soulmate is… Without having to worry about my definition being close-minded and ‘unrealistic’ and what not…
Well then I’d say that…
A soulmate is someone you know you want to be with until the end of days. You never doubt it, you never question it. You just know. They will touch your soul in a way no one ever has – and that’s how you will know that they’re your soulmate. You will connect in a way like you’ve never experienced but always dreamt of… You understand each other in most ways, and when you don’t you respect and accept that – and you talk about it. You can and do communicate about everything. Honesty. You’re honest and open about any and everything. You will run into arguments and problems, because all people do… But you will never go to bed mad, or stay mad and petty etc. for longer than it takes to just calm down and reflect. You will never blame each other or point fingers, but always be selfreflective about how you yourself can change to make things better. That’s why together you bring out the best in each other and you grow, because you never put each other down. You try to better yourselves, and therefore you become better and stronger together. A soulmate is someone you feel so attached to that you feel it in your heart, physically. Because love and hearts aren’t just fairytales and hollywood, it’s real. Because real love is felt in the heart, right in the chest, this huge feeling of connection, affection and happiness. A soulmate will make you cry because they make you laugh or because they make you happy, they will not make you cry because of they’re cruel, selfish and uncaring. A soulmate loves you for who you are right here and now, not for who they think or want you to be or become. No, they love you for the you here and now, in the present. And they will continue to love you, even when you become a different you, in the future. There are no limits or scales.

In reality, I don’t believe that there is a ‘wrong’ time when it comes to a soulmate. It just means they weren’t your soulmate, no matter how badly you want it… No matter how much you think you liked them… No… I believe soulmates will always meet at a ‘right’ time, because they’re soulmates, and real soulmates are meant to be together. Real soulmates can’t stop being together once they meet. They will be inseparable… So in all honesty, I probably don’t really believe that there can be a wrong time, when it comes to soulmates…

As to how many soulmates a person can have… Well I think a person could have more than one… Because some people may find their soulmate at a young age and may lose them to death… And I don’t believe that means that someone who still has the rest of their life ahead of them, doesn’t have another soulmate out there… That wouldn’t make sense… So I believe we all have more than one… Which means we may never meet them all, if any. Because soulmates and destiny aren’t necessarily connected…

I wonder if I’ll ever find my soulmate in this huge world… I really hope I will, but sometimes it just seems so… Impossible. Challenging.

I just don’t believe in mediocre love anymore. I don’t believe in settling and I don’t believe in compromising your heart and gut. So I decided quite a while ago that I wasn’t going to live my life like that… I decided that I wasn’t going to be in a relationship unless I truly felt that was what I wanted.
I haven’t met anyone yet who has turned a spark in me. I mean, I sort of did last year… But I also very quickly learned that if the spark can be ‘put out’, then it was probably just more about lust and being intrigued than anything else… But for me – even that is hard. And those emotions are so basic… Which is probably why I sometimes wonder if finding my soulmate is too high of a goal? I don’t know… I guess like so many other things, I’ll let time be my teller.

I’m still waiting…

Still waiting for that life changing turn.
That moment, that thing, that will turn my life upside down – in a good way.

An easy way I guess… Too easy to perhaps ever come true?
I don’t know.
Everyone wants some type of chance and shot in life that will help them achieve their dreams and goals… And most of us want it without working for it.
And whilst I do too, it’s not that I’m too lazy to work for it and I want it served.
It’s just… I’m not confident enough… I don’t believe enough in myself.

So… I want this almost unachievable thing to come true.
Something everyone pretty much dreams of, because it takes no work and all luck.
Imagine that?
No work, just luck, that sets a way for all of your dreams to come true and most of your worries to go away…
Almost too good to be true, and it pretty much is – most of the time, for most people. Well probably for 99.9999998% of the world (just to put it into perspective).

So why me? Why do I think I could be one of those 0.0000002% that would have that one dream come true, which could unlock the rest of my dreams?
I don’t know…
Do I deserve it more? Heck no. I am equal to most, if not everyone.
I’m not better, I don’t deserve more…

But… I just want to be a part of that small percentage… But what have I even done to deserve it? I haven’t worked my ass off for much in life to be honest… Well nothing that matters too much at least… I’m a scurdy pants that needs a safety net before I dare to just throw myself into the many projects I dream of… I am a coward.

Everyone thinks I’m so brave and courageous… But the truth is, I’m a coward. I may be brave and courageous in some aspects of life, but not all…

Most of all, I am scared of myself.
I am scared of life.
I am scared of failure.
I am scared of success.
I am scared of putting myself out there.
I am scared of rejection.
I am scared of getting laughed at.
I am scared of disappointing myself.
I am scared of not reaching my goals.
I am scared of becoming what I hate most in life.
I am scared of me.

Maybe all this fear is why I’m turning towards death…
Maybe I’m so scared of life, that I have turned that into being comfortable with death. With giving up. Even though, I’m not sure what I would be giving up on?
I don’t know.

I guess all lives are books, stories – most untold.
And perhaps that’s my mission in life, write the best book I can…
One of the best books some people in this world will read…
Maybe that’s my purpose…
I want to be remembered by touching hearts not triggering lust or jealousy.
I know for sure, I’ve touched more than one heart in this life, so really, the mission I’ve given myself in life… Has already been accomplished. If I die tomorrow, I will know that I’ve made at least one persons life better… And that’s what matters the most to me. Not how many friends I have, how popular I am, how many people know me, what I own and how much money I have… Because lord knows all of those are on the low-end of things, and I’m totally okay with that right now…

I need to be okay with who I am, where I am in life, in order to move forward and figure out what I really want.
My life hasn’t been a total waste, even though sometimes I bash myself when looking at others… And thinking man, this person is younger than me and ahead of life. They’ve made it – financially or with their career, and I’m not even halfway… I catch myself thinking, why wasn’t I innovative at 20 years old, there were so many markets where I could’ve grown and hit jackpot today… In so many different aspects, if only I had sorted my head and life out then, instead of now… And I just think, I’ve lost time…

But then again I try to remember, that there are people out there, way older than me, who haven’t figured out or accomplished just half of what I have… And so I try to remind myself, that we’re all different, we all have our own stories and journeys.

Where I am right now is perfectly fine and perfect for me, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I am more than enough. And I am more than okay. And I am an awesome person. And everything will be fine. Everything will work out.

And… If the Universe wants me to get that gift, it will let me have it. All I have to do is continue to believe… And if I can believe in the almost unachievable… Perhaps that will teach me to believe in myself too. That’s all I can really say…

Dear Universe, I want this to happen. But I accept that this is one of those few things, that is ultimately your choice to make and not something I can in any way work towards. The goal is something I can work towards, but the route I am wishing for is not one that can be taken without your doing. It’s all about the magic and power of luck – or perhaps luck is in reality destiny and fate? So if it is my destiny, it will happen – I guess…

Comfortable with death.

I’ve become too comfortable with death…

I totally accept that death is natural. I accept that life is meaningless…

And now… It’s like I’ve become so comfortable with death, that imagining my death doesn’t really scare me or move me like it used to.

I’m not in the best place right now, add that to it.

I just though about what a relief it would be to die. How it would feel to just drift away and never wake… You’d never really know you were dead anyway. Why would it matter? Why does anything matter? Why is it important to stay alive? I struggle to find reasons.

Yes. There will be people who care about you that you leave behind… And yes in some sense the pain you feel will be passed on to them… But… I’m not sure I really feel pain. It’s more a sense of not knowing what to do with this life I’ve been granted…

Maybe I’m just lonely, and that makes it all seem even more meaningless.

I wouldn’t mind dying today. Although I’m not supposed to say that, I struggle to find the meaning behind my ‘bucket list’ and ‘life goals’… What does it all matter anyway?

 

Drained & Lost.

I’m drained, I’m lost and I don’t know anything… Yet I do.

I know what I don’t want, but I have a hard time figuring out what I do want… I don’t really believe in myself, I think that’s my biggest weakness…

There’s so much I want to do right now and in life in general, but I’m scared… I’m scared I’m not good enough, scared I’m too old – that I don’t have the time to do all these things… I feel like I’m 3-5 years behind, like I should have the answers to what I want to do with my life by now…

Time passes by so fast, and it’s so scary… It’s so scary to see how fragile we humans are and how everything can be changed by one second. You can see now, one second, and you could be blind… You can lose your limbs, ability to walk, talk, hear, feel, taste… Everything you have right now, could be gone in just one glimpse of an eye – even your life. And that scares me as much as it inspires me. I want to do more, be more and… I feel like I’m not. Like I’m not doing any of that…

I don’t have the energy and so… I lose time. I have a job interview tomorrow and I really do need the money… But at the same time, I don’t think I want the job… I’m not ready to commit to a fulltime job… It would make my life easier financially, but I’d be bound… Bound by a fixed schedule… And I’m not sure I’m ready for that… Or if I ever will be… I’m just not sure of anything right now… All I know is that I need to get out of here, I just haven’t figured out how yet.

My heart wants something else than what I am giving it right now… And I just can’t quite figure out what it is and how to give it.

I feel lost and not in a good way. Not like I’m lost in a new city and discovering cute things, but lost like I’m somewhere I don’t want to be and I need to find my way out fast! Lost in a sense of anxiety and panic and sadness…

I’m trapped. By myself. And I don’t have the answer to when the shackles are going to come off, which is scary – because I decide when that is, yet I have no idea…

I feel like I’m imprisoned by myself and I have to find a way to break free… The answer and way is within me – the prison, but I just don’t know where…

I miss the life I was living just 1 year ago, right this time… God I miss it so bad, but perhaps I loved it so much because… It wasn’t realistic, it was a short term life experience… It was the one and only time I would ever have in this life to live like that…

I’m in despair. I feel like I’m drowning and constantly using the little energy I have left to stay above water… But I don’t have enough energy to swim ashore. I’m fighting just for air so I don’t die, but it’s not long term solution… Because if I don’t get to land, I will just drown eventually no matter what…

Fuck man. Fuck. Just… Fuck.
I need something, but what?