Ego’s way

His ego was bigger than his heart,
stronger than his will,
and superior to his happiness.

His ego controlled not only him,
but his entire life.

He nurtured his ego,
more than he nurtured his inner self.

Ego, ego, ego.
The thief of his happiness.
The dictator.
The happiness robber.

He chose ego every time,
and in doing so he rejected happiness.

He would rather be proud,
feel superior and powerful,
have his will and control,
than to feel the purity of the moment.

He had the chance to enjoy,
but he chose to destroy.
He couldn’t get his way,
so he chose to run away.

He put his ego first,
instead of clenching his thirst.
His ever longing thirst for love,
happiness and mindfulness.

If he couldn’t have his way,
he would rather call it a day.

Instead of cherishing the moment,
he chose to crave for the future.
Rather than taking what he could have,
he chose to have nothing at all.

Ego’s way, or no way at all.

I need myself.

I don’t want a lover.
I don’t need you as a friend.
I don’t know what I need you as.
I just know, I don’t want to lose you.
I know that it’s best for you to not be here.
I don’t need the confusion you’re bringing along.
I can’t deal with you and your behaviors, it’s not my job.
So I’d rather just set you off into a boat, and wave goodbye to you.
Whilst I wave I know that something better is awaiting me on the other side.
I just need to pack my bag with the right things before I start my journey to the other side.
I know that when I get there, everything will work out for the better.
Every step of my journey so far and to come will be worth it.
When I get there everything and step will make sense.
I need clarity, peace, spirituality and self-love.
I don’t want to lose myself for anyone.
I need to be there for myself first.
I need to be my own friend.
I need to be my own fan.
I need myself.

 

21 hours.

21 hours.

That’s how long ago the scene I replay in my head occurred.

21 hours.

Not even a full day.

Yet it feels like it was ages ago.

*

I see your face.

I hear your sweet words.

Your gentle touch.

But I feel no love.

Forcing something that was never meant to be.

It’s like forcing yourself to eat something you’re allergic to.

It might taste good and feel good in that moment,

but you’ll soon realize that it is a bad idea.

You’ll realize how the aftermath of it,

was not worth the short satisfaction.

However, you will be smarter now,

therefore there is nothing to regret in the end.

In the end,

we’re just two souls in search of our mate.

We could be compatible, but we’re not.

If you were only this, this and this,

but the matter of fact is: you’re not.

The person I wish for, is not the person you are.

“See the man in front of you, not the goal.”

For long I was blind,

but now I see,

that you and I were never meant to be.

 

I wish you’d…

I wish you’d hold my hand,

tell me that nothing else in this world matters.

I wish you’d look into my eyes,

tell me that in this whole world there only the two of us.

I wish you’d tell me, that we’ll walk together, through this life.

Through the ups and downs.

I wish you’d tell me that you’ll be my rock.

Someone I can always count on and lean on.

I wish you’d tell me that you truly love me,

from the bottom of your heart and your whole being.

I wish you’d take my hand,

not to lead me,

not to follow me,

but to walk by my side.

 

I wish we could walk through life hand in hand, heart to heart and mind to mind.

I wish our connection was so strong everything else would become blurred.

A blurred world where the only clarity would be the two of us.

A world where the only thing that truly mattered, and calmed our heart, was the company of one another.

I wish I could feel, deeply. I wish we both could.

heartbeat in ears.

I am sitting with my headphones on.

No music.

Silence.

I hear a beat.

I feel it.

I can hear my heartbeat.

I hear it through the pulse of my ears,

from the pressure of the headphones.

I close my eyes and listen.

How amazing it is that our heart beats.

How amazing is the function of our body.

The body mind connection.

Our heart beats without the help of our consciousness.

Like love, it just is.

And when it stops it dies.

We die.

Perhaps thats why love and hearts are connected.

Because both just are.

You cannot control love.

You cannot control the heart.

It just is, and when it stops being, it dies.

Heartbeat in my ear.

I am blessed with another day.

 

Heavy heart.

I feel a burden to my heart…

Dear Universe,
what is happening?

What is this stone I feel on my heart?
A stone so heavy its pulling my heart,
deeper and deeper into water.
As the water surrounds and enters my heart,
my heart tries to stay alive by pumping.
Pumping the water out my eyes.
Rolling. Rolling. Rolling.
Stop.

Heavy heart and no tears.
As I can’t cry, I cant ease my heart.
As I can’t ease my heart, it stays heavy.

Oh God, what is this that I feel?
Why are my feelings always so deep.
Like roots of a hundred year old tree,
with a tight and complex grip on my chest.
Heavy. Tight. No escape.

Am I losing someone?
Am I not being honest?
What is this burden trying to tell me?