I’m human too.

It’s like I enter a different world…

When I put my headphones on, turn the music up and close my eyes.

I’m no longer here.

I’m in a world where everything is beautiful.

Everything is brighter, warmer and sweeter.

I’m floating.

My heart and chest feels like air, it’s not heavy.

Then I open my eyes.

I wonder, should life be like this?

I shouldn’t need to escape reality to be happy.

There’s something I am doing wrong.

But if I don’t do this… This thing that I am doing right now…
Then what?

What does that make me?

If I don’t get my degree…
Then who am I?

Who am I?

Am I stressing and getting anxiety because of my studies…? Or… Is it because, I no longer know who I am and what I truly want in life?

My identity as a student is coming to an end. A long needed end… But still, who am I then?
And if I don’t finish it… Then everything I have known my whole life will be flushed down the toilet.
Who am I without achievements on paper?

Why do I need a piece of paper to tell me my worth? My accomplishments? My ambitions?

What have I done? Why am I here?



Maybe this is the true reason why I am in a constant state of panic.
Maybe it’s because I’m in fear of saying: fuck this.
My mouth says it, but my actions don’t…

What are you so afraid of?

No paper can or will ever define you.

Do it because you want to do it.
Do you want to do it?

Yes. I want to put a nail in the coffin…

That’s what my mind says… Yet my heart says:

Don’t waste another minute doing something you hate. It may be the last minute you have.

How can I preach something I don’t live? Why am I doing this?
Please universe, help me understand why I am doing this… So I can find the answer to what I should do…

“Do you believe in yourself?” the universe echoed.
I want to say yes, but I think the answer is no…

“There is your answer, child. Without belief and courage, fear will be your leader.” the universe replied.

I took a deep breath. Pushed my tears back. And realized as true as this was, I couldn’t accept it.
Fear. I am letting myself be guided with fear.
I’m sorry courage… But I think fear wins this battle… Even if it’s going against every cell in my body… Even if this is really the reason why I am hurting and sick…

Fear is definitely 80% of why I keep hanging in there and dragging myself through the mud… But the remaining 20% is me telling myself, if you can get through this, you can get through anything. If you can make this happen, if you can achieve this, then everything else will be a piece of cake. Everything else you will achieve from here is from and for the heart, and working with it is easier than what you’re doing now – working against it.

So I guess it’s final.
I’m human too. Like everyone else…
And I’m going to do this one thing, not because it has any meaning. But because it will make me stronger and help me pursue the things I truly want in life…

I may not yet know who I am…
Because ‘I’ keep changing… And I can never really keep up…
But I know who I am not.
I know what I don’t want…

And both of those are steps closer to finding out who I am and what I want…

What about you? Who are you? What do you want?





Ego’s way

His ego was bigger than his heart,
stronger than his will,
and superior to his happiness.

His ego controlled not only him,
but his entire life.

He nurtured his ego,
more than he nurtured his inner self.

Ego, ego, ego.
The thief of his happiness.
The dictator.
The happiness robber.

He chose ego every time,
and in doing so he rejected happiness.

He would rather be proud,
feel superior and powerful,
have his will and control,
than to feel the purity of the moment.

He had the chance to enjoy,
but he chose to destroy.
He couldn’t get his way,
so he chose to run away.

He put his ego first,
instead of clenching his thirst.
His ever longing thirst for love,
happiness and mindfulness.

If he couldn’t have his way,
he would rather call it a day.

Instead of cherishing the moment,
he chose to crave for the future.
Rather than taking what he could have,
he chose to have nothing at all.

Ego’s way, or no way at all.

Fall in love with yourself.

She didn’t send you there without reason.

She sent you because she believed in him. She sent you because she believed in you.
It was as if a part of her from either the past or future, believed in you.

She knew what was hidden in you, whether it would come out in five, ten or twenty years, she knew what was there. She believed in you.
From time to time she doubted you, but once she let go of her own selfishness… She came to realize, she still believed that the man she loved whom did not yet exist, was within this body which held a face she loved so dearly. A face that didn’t impress her by the first sight, but a face that grew on her.
The smell of his body never turned her on either, until it became a scent that belonged to the past, to a memory, a period… She came to love every bit of him and yet not. What was love even? Did she ever really truly love him? No. She loved the thought of loving him… However she truly did care for him… But time is what it takes… And now she didn’t really care. Or did she? Why him?
There was something in the Universe, which she could only feel once they were apart.
Although she had her closure, she had a feeling that this was still – once again, not the end of things…

She didn’t want to focus much on what the Universe had planned in terms of him – and her, no – there were more important things to focus on.

She wanted to think of herself the way she thought of her soulmate. Why couldn’t she praise herself the same way?
She needed to understand, that just like you love every bit of your partner – you need to do the same with yourself… She needed to start telling herself: I love the texture of your hair and the smoothness of your skin.I love your eyes. I love your body. I love every inch of you…

Loving herself was yet one of her biggest challenges.

She believed in so many people, yet not herself.
She loved and cared for so many, yet not herself.

She realized it was time to stop and send all this energy towards herself.
She believed in him, when in the end she should just believe in herself.
She loved his face, when in the end she should love her own.
She loved his embrace, when in the end she should love her own company.

She realized that it was time to fall in love with herself.


His story.

I was traveling with a buddy in Asia, but the last night and day I was on my own. I was wondering how I’d manage, what I’d do and so on. The thought of wandering around by myself didn’t really seem appealing to me…

When I went to bed that night, by myself, I was hoping I’d meet people the next day.

When I woke up in the morning I decided I’d go hang out by the pool and get the last bit of tan.

When I walked up there I noticed this girl, “I have to get in contact with her somehow” I thought to myself.
She was with a guy who was laying on the bed next to her and next to him was some other guy who was by himself. I took the fourth bed.

After a while I decided to talk to the guy, who seemed pretty cool and chill, I thought that approaching her first would probably be too aggressive.

As I was talking to that guy I asked him where they were from. He replied and I was surprised by his answer, they were from two different countries. One of the countries was the same as mine… So I asked: “So, who’s from where.” And he replied and pointed at the girl as he mentioned my country.

“What?? We’re from the same country.” I thought to myself. So I started talking with her and told her that I hadn’t really met anyone from our country in this city. I was trying to connect with her. She seemed really nice.

I was overly excited, but I didn’t want this excitement to shine through. We had a little chat across all the beds and she went on with her tanning.

How could she just tan and resist the heat? She didn’t get up once to get in the pool…
However that wasn’t the case for me… As I was hanging in the pool, I thought, I want to talk to her some more. So I went ahead and splashed a bit of water on her. She took her music out of her ears and looked at me. “What’s up?” she said.

“Aren’t you getting hot at all?” I replied. “Nah, I’m fine.” She laughed.

We went on to talk for a bit, and she said that she was a bit hungry and asked if I wanted to grab something to eat a little later.
“Yea sure.” I replied. I was trying to make it seem as if, I wanted to hang out but not that I was eager to.

I managed to do a great job too, however deep down I couldn’t quite understand how this had really happened.

We went on and hung out that day and later in the evening I had to leave for the airport.
I’d had such a fun time with her, she didn’t really care about what I thought and she laughed and smiled a lot. She was silly and not too shy, it was a fun day.

I got her details before I left and messaged her when I landed. She was in transit when I landed, her flight was 8 hours after mine.

When we got home we started hanging out more and more…

I really like this girl, she’s full of surprises. Is she even real?
How did the Universe send me this girl?
Sure I asked for company that night when I went to bed…
But how did I manage to meet this girl?

She’s incredible…


“What I really love about you…”

“How could I not want to kiss you?” He questioned.
“You are beautiful. You’re smart. Everything.”

She smiled. She was flattered, but yet she stod by her feelings – she wasn’t going to kiss him. Kissing changes things. Kissing means something, kissing is not something she was ready for… She just couldn’t.

“You’re a good-looking girl, but what I like the most is your eyes… And your lips… But what I really love about you, is your smile.” He said.

“Wow.” She thought to herself. What beautiful, sweet and raw words had come out of this persons mouth. A person she barely knew. So brutally honest.

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while now, but you’re hard to read.” He continued.

“I just… I just can’t… It’s too… Intimate… It changes things. I just… Can’t.” She replied. “I really like hanging out with you, its really wonderful. But I don’t feel anything, I just don’t. I haven’t been able to feel anything for a while now. I even told my ex this last week.”

Confused, he asked: “Wait, your ex? Did you have a boyfriend last week who’s now your ex or is this your ex from before?”

“My ex from before. We were still talking, and I just told him, that I don’t see a future.” She replied.

“Oh okay, I get it… Well… Are you sure? Not even a small peck? Just a tiny one?” He begged.

“Nope. Not going to happen, sorry.” She said with a playful calm but firm voice.


She left and even days after, she was still thinking of the event…
How incredibly sweet and nice his words were…
But also how incredible it was that guys in general can’t take a no, and how pathetic that essentially is – no matter how much they like you.
To her she realized, that a man who 100% accepted and respected her boundaries was what she wanted. Every guy she talked to brought her closer to knowing what she truly wanted.

Now she definitely knew that she wanted a guy who put it out there, but would respect her response, and rather than push – just wait for her to make the move.

Nothing matters..?

And so she realized, nothing mattered.

When she took a moment to relax and calm down all her thoughts and irrationality, she realized, nothing mattered.

No thing in this world mattered, nothing.

No one mattered, not him, not her, not them, no one.

Absolutely nothing mattered.

She was just existing, she was ‘just being’. Calm, peaceful, empty – light like a bird.
Nothing could hurt her, nothing could make her feel anything, because nothing mattered.

Like a ghost, she was light and just there, she was just observing them.

Observing what he was doing and saying.
Observing what she was doing and saying.

The more she observed, the further away she drifted.
‘I don’t belong here with these people’, she thought to herself.

short story: the grass is never greener on the other side.

Young and handsome.
That’s what he was.
He had just graduated and thought he was invincible.
He was popular amongst the girls, with his big brown eyes, full lips and tanned skin – not to mention his muscular body.
A body he didn’t get through genetics, a body he had worked hard for, a body that had ‘robbed’ him off of many of the wild and youthful stupidities his classmates lived.
To him it was important.
To him it was the most important thing.
To work hard, achieve and see results.
With his body that was.
So he sacrificed, without seeing it as sacrifice, because he had only one thing in mind – achieve a physique he had always dreamed of.
So the little boy put in a lot of work and time, meal prepping, eating and working out.
It became an obsession.
Soon it was no longer a healthy drive, soon it was no longer discipline and hard work, no, it became an obsession. Everything he did was now out of obsession, he became so obsessed he soon lost his way.
He decided to take a break, he had started working full-time and was exhausted. He couldn’t find the time or energy, so he thought he’d take a break – just for a short while of a few weeks.
It wasn’t long till he missed it again. He was obsessing. Every time he looked in the mirror he felt himself shrinking by the minute.
All that work and time. Gone.
Although reality was far from that.
He started working out and eating right again, it didn’t take long before he once again fell off the wagon. It was too much. Too much stress. He couldn’t take care of himself and his job both at the same time. And since he needed and wanted that job, there was only one choice: to set fitness aside once again.
Was he setting his identity aside? Was fitness so deeply embedded in him, that he lost sense of self? Could it be… That he had nothing else? That he didn’t love himself without fitness? Because without fitness, he didn’t have that godlike body… That body in which he identified himself so much with… That body in which he took pride in, that body in which he hid behind… Because truth be told, he didn’t love himself – but his body, his body he did love… Although he didn’t think it was perfect – he still loved it. The look of it that was.
He was struggling, trying to make the pieces in his life fit. Confused. Lost.

But wait…
In the midst of all of this… He had met a girl.
A girl that made him feel like no one ever did.
For once he was scared.
Scared that he would get hurt.
This girl… There was never anyone like her.
No one as beautiful as her…
No one as smart and intelligent as her…
No one as educated as her…
No one as mature as her…
No one as… almost perfect, as her.

This one was someone special.
She was helpful, thoughtful and loving.

She helped him.
She helped him with his job.
She helped him with his nutrition, whenever he was determined to start fitness again.
She helped him with everything and anything she could.

She gave him her everything, almost.
She gave him all that she could.
She took great care of him.
She would’ve done anything for him – because that’s just how she was.
She always gave her all, she always wanted to help – everyone.

What he didn’t know was that she had doubted this relationship since the first time they met up. She didn’t feel like it was right, but she ignored her gut feeling. She went for it anyway, “the universe sent him to me, there must be a reason” she thought to herself.
So she ignored her gut feeling and intuition and went with her old habits and patterns… Being a pleaser.
She didn’t want to hurt him, so she hurt herself instead.
She had dreams that she once again set aside, which she did every time there was a new guy in her life… Why? Because her dreams didn’t fit into the whole relationship scene, so it was always one or the other – to her it was so at least.

They did enjoy each others company, they very often had some of the same thoughts… They had shitty humor and laughed together. They gave one another comfort and a sense of love.
They couldn’t get enough of each others company… They went from being just ‘friends’ with benefits, to dating, to seeing each other every day, to living together – unofficially… And then all of a sudden they went from looking at ‘we’ and an apartment, to being strangers.

Two people that once loved and cared, two people that were so close, two people that could’ve made it.
Two people that almost committed to ‘for ever’.
But just almost.

But the timing wasn’t right.
And after all, time decides most things.
“Time doesn’t change, time reveals.”

He walked around with identity issues – not even knowing. He was in denial of many things, if not everything. He didn’t look within himself, he wasn’t interested in ‘fixing’. He didn’t care to find out what was causing him to feel lost and confused, he just wasn’t mature or aware enough to do it… So he went ahead and blamed the latest thing that had walked into his life, her.
His life was fine till she walked in, he kept trying to convince himself.
These feelings are messing me up, he thought.
Why did I have to love her? Why couldn’t I meet her in a few years, when I’m ready? He kept repeating.
He didn’t realize the problem wasn’t her.
He kept thinking that the grass was greener on the other side.

She kept trying and trying, to make him realize that he had issues to work with. She kept trying to make him see the light… She wanted him to succeed. She wanted him to stay. She wanted him. Because now she had once again given up on her dreams, so god damn it, she was going to make it work this time around… Because finally she had met someone that she could stand, and that was good enough for her – because she no longer believed in ‘real’ love anyway.
She tried to make him understand where the problem was and she tried to pull him up to her level. She tried to motivate him and help him achieve his dreams, because she wanted nothing but for him to succeed – be his best.
She didn’t realize that in the middle of all of this, she had lost herself.
She was trying so hard on his behalf that she lost herself…
She was unhappy but couldn’t figure out why… Why was she once again depressed?
Was she stressed? Was it the winter weather? What was it?
Why was she not happy, why did she feel empty inside?

One day she finally decided that she had had enough. She wasn’t going to beg him to ‘fix’ himself and everything, she didn’t have to try so hard.
So she ended it.
She felt relieved. Sad, but relieved. For months had she known deep down that he wasn’t to be a part of her life, since the very start… But she ignored her gut feeling, but now she was being true to herself. It hurt, it hurt for a while, but she was relieved and slowly the depression left her too. She was happy, sad for the story, but happy.

He thought the grass was greener on the other side.
He liked her, but he didn’t feel ready – that was why he was so confused, right?
He didn’t realize that her being gone, meant she was gone for good.
She told him, “once I’m gone, I’m gone” and she meant it. Like she always had. Because she always gave 1000 chances, so once she left – she left for good, whether it was friendships or romantically. When she gave up and left, there was no way to come back.

It didn’t take too long for him to realize that that odd feeling was still there…
He was still not happy, in fact he was now sadder than before…
He couldn’t get her out of his mind.
But he wasn’t going to put up a fight.
She didn’t want him, what else could he do? He wasn’t going to put himself out there and lose face… And hey whenever he knew that she still cared for him, he would feel empowered and on top – and so he’d go back to being a jerk towards her.
Until she no longer even cared to be his friend or even talk to him…
Then he realized how alone he truly was, in a world where only one person had ever come close to him. Pushed his deep buttons of childhood sadness, helped him and truly been there for him whenever, wherever.
He had lost something so good, so rare. Gone.
No one could compare to her.
None of the girls stimulated him like she did.
She was loyal.
She was  wifey.
And now, she’s gone.
Now she’s just someone that he used to know.

She was saddened by it all, but she realized that when someone asked her what it was she missed – she didn’t have an answer. The answer to ‘could anyone take his place?’ was yes. She realized she had been with him for all the wrong reasons, but it didn’t take long before she saw the light, and started to work her way up.
She was determined not to keep the same unhealthy habits and patterns that her mother passed on to her, she was going to break the circle and she was going to conquer the world.
She was going to find everything she ever wanted within herself.
She was never going to need another person to fulfill her, she was never going to crave, need or beg for acceptance from a partner ever again – she was done.
She was turning into a better her, she was going to live out her dreams, she was going to let go of the idea that a man had to fulfill her life…
For once she was going to live for her, she was going to find peace, she was going to be more than average.
She was ready. She was lit. She was conscious. She was awake. She was fearless.

…She failed to see that the grass could be greener, and he failed to see that he was already where the grass was most attractive.
He thought the grass was greener on the other side, not realizing he was standing on the best grass out there… The grass might not have been the greenest at the time, but no grass is lush without care. The grass needs to be watered and cared for, and that is the only way for it to be green – the grass is never greener anywhere else.
The grass is only as green as you make it yourself.