Speak it into existence.

About 3 months ago I was praying so hard for this job that I applied for – the ‘dream job’, I made an application that was out of the ordinary, I even made something especially for them. Some video content. Did they like it? Hate it? I have no idea, because they never saw it. I just got a standard reply… At the same time there was an apartment I really liked, gosh it was way over budget… And turned out to be a bad investment, so I had to turn it down. But I was praying so hard that I would get that job and that apartment, how awesome would that be? To get a job and a place all at the same time?! Gosh!

… And it didn’t happen. I didn’t get the job, they never even went through my application… And I had to say no to the apartment, even with a yes, it wouldn’t have necessarily have been mine anyway, as we were 5 potential buyers…

3 months forward and I got an apartment! An even better one – economically. Just need to sign the papers in 2 days and it will be final! What else? I got to go to interview number 2, and I am 1 of 2 candidates. I reeeeally want this job, I really want it. And how amazing would it be if I got it? Just imagine, the dream I had 3 months ago would come true. But with a different job and a different apartment. But the wish and goal of getting an apartment and a job would be complete.

I’m trying so hard to speak it into existence and I’m praying so hard that I’ll get that call tomorrow and it will be good news for me. I’m praying so hard that they will say, ‘We would love for you to join the team, can you come in on Monday?’. YES, yes I can.

How amazing would that be? Pretty amazing, but even if it doesn’t happen, I know it’s because there is something else out there for me. Because time after time, the Universe has showed me this. I trust in you Universe, I believe that whatever happens is for a reason and what is mine will be. This job, this job is for me, it’s mine. It’s for me to have and for me to grow. This will be my stepping stone. It will.
That lady will call me tomorrow and she will tell me that I am hired! I am the best candidate for the job, I am amazing and I am great. I am willing to work and I hope she could see that. I hope that she could see that I really wanted this and that I will give my all. I fit into that place, that place is perfect for me. It is the perfect environment for me, I fit in so so well. I will get hired tomorrow. Tomorrow great news awaits me. I believe it.

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5 years on the blog

It’s been 5 years since I started this blog… It’s really intersting, funny and embarrassing to read some of the things I’ve written, done, felt etc.
I’ve come such a long way and grown so much since December 2013.

It’s crazy how time flies, how everyone’s lives take different paths and tours. Life is interesting…

5 years ago I was breaking up with my first boyfriend, whom I had been with for 3.5 years. Today I have a new boyfriend, boyfriend number 4… And he’s amazing.
So many other things have changed since then too…

I couldn’t have ever imagined this is where I’d be, that my life would’ve looked like this and that I would’ve experienced and grown as much as I have.

December is always an intersting time of the year. It’s my birth month, it’s holiday period and the last month of the year.

I’m not sure.

I’m not sure where to go for answers… Where to find them. How to find them.
I’m not sure how I should take the leap of faith.
I’m not sure on what I should take the leap…

I feel so confused.
I feel lost.
I feel like I’m not doing enough.
I feel like there are certain things I should’ve achieved by now.
I feel like I’m too old to be where I’m at right now.

And I’m hard on myself. I know…
But what am I doing with my time?
How am I moving forward or towards where I want to be?
I’m not.
I’m wasting time.
I’m spending my time on others.
And quite frankly, it doesn’t feel good.

I really wanna get away.
Somewhere. Anywhere.
I feel like I need some peace of mind.
I feel like there’s something inside me that needs to be unleashed.

I’m blessed.
I’m grateful.
But I’m confused…
I’m so confused.

Should I pray?

Dear Universe,

should I pray? Or should I visualize and pretend that what I want is already my reality?

I’m not sure. I’m afraid to hope, because I’m afraid to disappoint myself.

I don’t want to hope. I want to believe.

So I guess that’s what I’ll do… Believe.

 

Dear Universe,

Instead of praying, I will thank you.

I will thank you for the blessings that I know will come my way.

Thank you.

Thank you for making it possible for me to land that job.

Thank you for making it possible for me to get that apartment.

Thank you for helping me move on with my life.

Thank you.
__________________

Repetition, visualization and belief. – An exercise

That job is mine. That job is mine. That job is mine.
They will call for an interview.
They will love me after the interview.
I will be hired.
That job is mine.
That job is mine.
I am the person that will get hired for that job.
That job is mine.

That apartment is mine. That apartment is mine. That apartment is mine.
They will contact me to sign the papers.
My name will be on the door soon.
That apartment will belong to me.
The apartment is mine. The apartment is mine.
I am the person who will live in the apartment.

That job and apartment are both mine.
They are for me. They are mine.

 

I’m not good enough.

Does it really matter if he is Mr. Right or not?
It’s not like I’m seeing anyone else or the opportunity of seeing someone else has come up. I wasn’t seeing anyone before him, not really, and I haven’t met anyone new either… So does it really matter if he’s right for me or not? I’m not losing anything anyway, I’m not closing doors… It feels good to have someone to give some love to and receive som love from. Physical touch feels good. Hugs. Kisses. It feels good. Isn’t that the most important thing? As long as it feels good – it can’t be wrong?

I’m still unsure if we’re a match for life. But does that even matter right now? I don’t think so. As long as I’m happy and it feels good – it’s right. Nothing wrong about it. Unless it makes me feel bad, unhappy or uneasy – anything negative, well then it would be time to stop. But I don’t. I don’t feel anything truly negative. I just have this issue with myself regarding trust and fear I need to get over. I have no reason not to trust him. But I have this fear and insecurity about myself, about not being good enough… About someone else being better, or a better choice and I’m just the choice for now until something better comes along…
And perhaps I have that fear because I have the same thought myself. “What if something better comes along”. But I also know, that when I am committed I don’t get those thoughts, like I never look at someone and think they could be better. That line of thought is completely inexistent in my mind. But I do think it. “What if this isn’t it? What if there is something better?” And perhaps because I think it myself, I fear someone else thinking that too…

‘I’m not good enough’. I didn’t realize it until I just wrote it. That I still have this nagging feeling regarding so many things, that I am not good enough. That I am not enough… I guess that’s something I really need to work on.
Because I am… I am enough. I am good enough. And I am more than enough… The only problem is just that whilst I may sort of know this, I obviously dont believe it.

I guess that’s a new focus point for me. Start believing that I am good enough.

Not obsessed.

At a moment where I was feeling down and sad, hugging him made all the tension and sadness leave my body. I felt relaxed.

Maybe I’ve been overthinking. Maybe I should just go with what I am feeling – but without giving up on myself, my goals, dreams and visions. Never sacrifice, because that will leave me unhappy. Compromise and sacrifice are two different things, even with compromises there should be something to win, if you only lose – you’ll wind up unhappy.

He makes me smile. He makes me feel good. I do wonder if there is a feeling of feeling even more ‘happy’ or whatever you wanna call it… But at the same time, I haven’t felt this happy about someone in a long time.

It’s different with him. This is the first time ever I’ve dated someone and resorted my ‘daddy issues’. This is the first time I’m dating someone because it’s nice – not because I needed to fill a void. It feels different – whilst I am happy and he makes me smile and talking about it to others makes me all giggly – I am not obsessed. This feels healthy.

 

About to give up on love.

I really do ponder and wonder. It kinda makes me sad to think, that maybe I can’t or won’t. It makes me sad to think that maybe I am unable to love… Or maybe there is no such thing as true love in the sense that I believe, or hope, that it exists…

It saddens me to think that I may never get those lovey and ‘flying on a cloud’ feelings… To be fair, the lack of those feelings even mean that I don’t really get anything out of sex… It’s like I’m not truly present, not really feeling what’s happening. I’m just absent. I’m not there.

There’s plenty of great guys out there, but… It takes more than that.

Fuck. I haven’t even truly defined what I want… So how the hell would the universe give it to me?
No wonder I keep getting guys that are great, but not great for me… Maybe that’s it?
I don’t know… Honestly… I’m about to give up. Give up on love. Give up on dating… Maybe even give up on life.

I really struggle to see what the meaning is. What my purpose is.
Why I’m here doing this?
I really do have thoughts of dying on almost a daily basis.
I think about how it would feel to die. How it would feel for life to slip away from you.
And if it would even matter. Why does it matter? I can’t see why life matters. Or my existence. Or anything for that sake.

I just want to disappear. I just want to go away. I want to not exist. I want to be gone.

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing matters… Everything is just meaningless and pointless… And truthfully, I think I’d rather just die. I really don’t blame celebrities that overdose, you get on a high where your body and everything feels good… And then you go out, like a light. And that’s it.
I’ve never been high to know what it feels like, but I just imagine that’s how it feels. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense…

But yea, perhaps the blessed are those that are gone and the cursed are those who are still here… Who knows. It could be the opposite too.

I only know one thing, which is that I don’t know anything.

I’m nobody. I don’t matter. I don’t matter to this world. Nothing matters.