Today?

Will today be the day?

Imagine it.

Feel it.

Imagine that today is that day.
What day?
The day where your biggest dream came true.
Imagine.

How does it feel?

Good right?

Hold on to that feeling.

I hope today will be that.
Today will be that day.
That day where the impossible good happens.
That day where the answers to all your and others problems is answered.

That day what you dreamt of, will happen.
That day where pure luck strikes you.
Why you?
Why not you? That is the question.

Today will be that day where I no longer need to worry about much anymore.
Please Universe, let that day be today.
Let me win today.
Let me get that feeling in my chest, all over my body, that feeling of something being so unreal and good. That feeling of being so god damn lucky that you cannot even believe it.

Today will be that day.
I put my bet.
Let me win.

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Comfortable with death.

I’ve become too comfortable with death…

I totally accept that death is natural. I accept that life is meaningless…

And now… It’s like I’ve become so comfortable with death, that imagining my death doesn’t really scare me or move me like it used to.

I’m not in the best place right now, add that to it.

I just though about what a relief it would be to die. How it would feel to just drift away and never wake… You’d never really know you were dead anyway. Why would it matter? Why does anything matter? Why is it important to stay alive? I struggle to find reasons.

Yes. There will be people who care about you that you leave behind… And yes in some sense the pain you feel will be passed on to them… But… I’m not sure I really feel pain. It’s more a sense of not knowing what to do with this life I’ve been granted…

Maybe I’m just lonely, and that makes it all seem even more meaningless.

I wouldn’t mind dying today. Although I’m not supposed to say that, I struggle to find the meaning behind my ‘bucket list’ and ‘life goals’… What does it all matter anyway?

 

Dear anxiety, please let me finish this.

I’m on the verge of crying every moment.

I have tears in my eyes from the moment they open, till I close them again.

I don’t think my level of anxiety has ever been as bad as it is now.

I feel like I am on the edge…

I question my existence, my path in life, everything.

I’m not sure about anything anymore.

I know it’s the anxiety speaking.

I’m fighting, I don’t want to spiral…

But my anxiety has a grip on my heart and mind.

I’m suffocating. I am smothering myself.

For what? I wan’t to say: I quit. And be over with it. But, then what?
Then I have wasted 2,5 years? All because I couldn’t pull it together… No.

I can’t … It would be foolish.

I want to. I sure as hell want to say F*** it.

But I have to stay focused and remember why I am here today at the road that I am.

I need to see this through…

Dear anxiety,
Please let me finish this chapter of my life. It’s been going on for too long already.

Happy 4 year anniversary!

Happy 4 year anniversary WordPress and followers!

It’s been 4 years since I started this blog.

I’ve been scrolling through my older posts… So many things I’ve forgotten with time.

It’s funny, how much a person can change.
I’ve changed a lot in just one year.
And hopefully I’ve changed in a year from now too.

Time is a weird concept. But whats even weirder is life. I doubt I’ll ever quite figure it out… But I am happy, that’s the most important thing.
I’ve never been more happy and free than I am right this moment, and hopefully that statement will be true every day from now.

Of course no one is happy every single day, but I don’t measure it like that. We all have good days and bad days, but I mean overall happiness…

I really don’t like Christmas/holiday time… I love how there are lights and decorations everywhere, especially because it gets so dark so early in the wintertime here… But apart from that, I really dislike it. The month of December, probably even November… And the aftermath in January – just awful, if you ask me. I hate that there are so many people everywhere, and people are just acting crazy… Everyone is spending ridiculous amounts of money, and the whole focus of the season is in materialism and not love nor gratitude. That’s what I dislike. I’m not a fan of being in large crowds of people, everyone going somewhere and you’re back to back, people accidentally – or on purpose, pushing you. I just hate it. It stresses me out.

I say, I am kind of like the Grinch, but just better looking.
I guess that’s all for this post. 4 years went by fast, I’ve grown so much since the beginning in Dec. 2013.

Much love,
xoxo
LFT

 

Anxiety.

My heart beats faster every time you are near.
You make my mind race, I can’t think clear.

I feel uneasy in my body, in my skin.
It’s like getting suffocated by a twirl of wind.

You can’t see it, but it’s there.
You can only feel it, just like air.

It’s like a heavy burden on my heart,
an ache so strong it feels like I am falling apart.

Thoughts race in my head so fast, I can’t single them out.
I can’t tell if they’re mine or what they’re about.

I feel like a prisoner in my own head,
am I still here or am I dead?

 

 

 

I’ve lost it – struggle is real.

I’ve lost it.
‘It’ being my will to do as society wants me to do. I never thought ending a chapter in my life would be this hard. I want it to end, but yet I don’t want to put in the work. Because I simply just don’t care enough about it anymore.
I’m talking about my degree.
I just need to write my dissertation. Last thing. Last step. Yet I’ve been extending the deadline for months. And now I am once again right on the edge with the deadline. Still… No progress… Why though? I mean I know why, no passion – no motivation.

But it’s really bad, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it…
It’s bad. I can’t give up now. Last step. Last f!”#ing thing.
Okay well to be fair it’s not like its 10 pages, it’s about a book. That’s definitely partly the reason why it seems like it’s impossible… But apart from that, I have no genuine interest in doing it….

Oh life.
The me now would tell younger me to have stopped after my last degree. But I didn’t know any better then….

It is what it is.

I just gotta suck it up. But I don’t think I’ve ever struggled as badly as right now.
Struggle is real.

Settling is my new enemy.

There will always be something new to see.

Something new to try.

Someone new to meet.

NEW.

You will never get to experience everything in life, because the amount of experiences and people out there are infinite.

And you know what, that’s okay… As long as you don’t feel like every day is the same day, then you’ve made a life for yourself that’s worth living.

Staying in the same lane and never out of your comfort zone is not where you find growth, it’s where you find comfort. It’s not where you find growth because you’re not being challenged, you’re not learning much new and that does’nt give you the chance to broaden your horizon.

I love my life. I love life. I love myself.

I love the person I have become, the person I was – because she lead me to where I am now, and the person I will become.

I am brave.
I am adventurous.
I am beautiful.
Inside out.

I’d rather be alone than settle.
I’d rather struggle in every aspect that settle.
Settling is not where I find happiness.
I find happiness in myself, in knowing that I haven’t settled.

I don’t ever want to feel like there was something I COUDL’VE done, but I DIDN’T.
No… Anything I want to do, I CAN DO, so I have no reason not to.
At the same time I respect that time is essential too, most things don’t come overnight… But hell, if I don’t try and try, till I succeed… Then my life has no purpose, because settling doesn’t give it purpose.

A few things I’ve decided to NOT DO anymore:

  • settle for a guy/love
  • settle for my future occupance
  • settle in general

Why should I go for average, when I don’t believe I am average myself?

No, nope, nah. That’s not a life I wanna live, it’s time for me to chase my dream and inner power.

It’s time for me to find my true calling and fullfil it.

It’s time for me to reaveal the real me to the world.
And the world will love it.
Guaranteed.