Jazz…

I never thought I’d fall in love with Jazz, but I have…

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years it’s that, you can surprise yourself as much as someone else can.

Also: things change. Even your mind. You. Decisions. Everything. Everything changes with time.

It’s wonderful and scary at the same time…

I listen to calm ‘coffee house/bar-lounge’ jazz and jazz-hop, I don’t really know my way around the genre yet… But that’s the best way to explain it…

I picture myself with my future husband, cooking, laughing, enjoying a glass of wine whilst listening to jazz… I realized I want a man who’s as versatile and ever-changing as I am. I want someone open-minded and who isn’t afraid of change… I want a man who can listen to jazz, house, rap and rock. I want someone who doesn’t judge by genre, but by song. Because that is a man who doesn’t judge people based on anything else than who they are, and perhaps a man who doesn’t judge at all…

I want someone to grow with. I don’t want a man who stops my growth, I want him to be like rain not like desert. I want a man who is funny, intelligent and in touch with himself.

Is that too much to ask for?

I just want, what I give. Because when you’re on the same level you vibe, and the music is beautiful… But that doesn’t mean we need to be the same instrument, we just need to be playing music that makes sense. 1 song, different melodies and instruments, I guess that’s a way to put it?

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Perhaps I made the wrong call?

I close my eyes, it’s pitch black.
My imagination is gone, but will it be back?

I used to see colors and light,
and now all I’m left with is a lost fight.

This is the price you pay,
when you live life without play.

Nothing is a given,
not even the life you’re livin’.

I’ve lost my light,
for a future I thought was bright.

What is the purpose of it all,
if all I do is fall?

Perhaps I made the wrong call?

 

Tomorrow, I win.

I want to win.

I want to win so badly.

I need to win.

I will win.

 

I will win now.

I am the winner.

I won.

I won it.

It’s mine.

I am the winner.

I am the winner of it all.

I won.

I have won.

The prize is mine.

Tomorrow will be a turning point in my life.

I will be the winner.

I will win.

Today.

Tomorrow.

Always.

I am the winner.

Believe it. Become it. Be it.

I will win.

The year is coming to an end.

I need it to end with victory.

It will end with a life changing victory.

It will happen.

It will.

I will win.

I have won.

I am winning.

I am the winner.

Dear Universe,

Please. I need to win. I want to win. I will win.
Please help me win. This is what I want.

A ticket. A straw.
An oxygenmask so I can breathe.

Dear universe, please let me win so I can breathe again.
I need a break from my mind and suffocation.

I need to win.

I will win.

I have won.

I am the winner.

It’s mine, all mine.

The prize is mine.

It’s mine.

It’s mine.

I have won.

I am the winner.

I WILL WIN.
I WON.
I AM THE WINNER.
ME.

 

 

 

I’m human too.

It’s like I enter a different world…

When I put my headphones on, turn the music up and close my eyes.

I’m no longer here.

I’m in a world where everything is beautiful.

Everything is brighter, warmer and sweeter.

I’m floating.

My heart and chest feels like air, it’s not heavy.

Then I open my eyes.

I wonder, should life be like this?

I shouldn’t need to escape reality to be happy.

There’s something I am doing wrong.

But if I don’t do this… This thing that I am doing right now…
Then what?

What does that make me?

If I don’t get my degree…
Then who am I?

Who am I?

Am I stressing and getting anxiety because of my studies…? Or… Is it because, I no longer know who I am and what I truly want in life?

My identity as a student is coming to an end. A long needed end… But still, who am I then?
And if I don’t finish it… Then everything I have known my whole life will be flushed down the toilet.
Who am I without achievements on paper?

Why do I need a piece of paper to tell me my worth? My accomplishments? My ambitions?

What have I done? Why am I here?
Why?

Why?

Why?

Maybe this is the true reason why I am in a constant state of panic.
Maybe it’s because I’m in fear of saying: fuck this.
My mouth says it, but my actions don’t…

What are you so afraid of?

No paper can or will ever define you.

Do it because you want to do it.
Do you want to do it?

Yes. I want to put a nail in the coffin…

That’s what my mind says… Yet my heart says:

Don’t waste another minute doing something you hate. It may be the last minute you have.

How can I preach something I don’t live? Why am I doing this?
Please universe, help me understand why I am doing this… So I can find the answer to what I should do…

“Do you believe in yourself?” the universe echoed.
I want to say yes, but I think the answer is no…

“There is your answer, child. Without belief and courage, fear will be your leader.” the universe replied.

I took a deep breath. Pushed my tears back. And realized as true as this was, I couldn’t accept it.
Fear. I am letting myself be guided with fear.
I’m sorry courage… But I think fear wins this battle… Even if it’s going against every cell in my body… Even if this is really the reason why I am hurting and sick…

Fear is definitely 80% of why I keep hanging in there and dragging myself through the mud… But the remaining 20% is me telling myself, if you can get through this, you can get through anything. If you can make this happen, if you can achieve this, then everything else will be a piece of cake. Everything else you will achieve from here is from and for the heart, and working with it is easier than what you’re doing now – working against it.

So I guess it’s final.
I’m human too. Like everyone else…
And I’m going to do this one thing, not because it has any meaning. But because it will make me stronger and help me pursue the things I truly want in life…

I may not yet know who I am…
Because ‘I’ keep changing… And I can never really keep up…
But I know who I am not.
I know what I don’t want…

And both of those are steps closer to finding out who I am and what I want…

What about you? Who are you? What do you want?

 

 

 

Dear anxiety, please let me finish this.

I’m on the verge of crying every moment.

I have tears in my eyes from the moment they open, till I close them again.

I don’t think my level of anxiety has ever been as bad as it is now.

I feel like I am on the edge…

I question my existence, my path in life, everything.

I’m not sure about anything anymore.

I know it’s the anxiety speaking.

I’m fighting, I don’t want to spiral…

But my anxiety has a grip on my heart and mind.

I’m suffocating. I am smothering myself.

For what? I wan’t to say: I quit. And be over with it. But, then what?
Then I have wasted 2,5 years? All because I couldn’t pull it together… No.

I can’t … It would be foolish.

I want to. I sure as hell want to say F*** it.

But I have to stay focused and remember why I am here today at the road that I am.

I need to see this through…

Dear anxiety,
Please let me finish this chapter of my life. It’s been going on for too long already.

Happy 4 year anniversary!

Happy 4 year anniversary WordPress and followers!

It’s been 4 years since I started this blog.

I’ve been scrolling through my older posts… So many things I’ve forgotten with time.

It’s funny, how much a person can change.
I’ve changed a lot in just one year.
And hopefully I’ve changed in a year from now too.

Time is a weird concept. But whats even weirder is life. I doubt I’ll ever quite figure it out… But I am happy, that’s the most important thing.
I’ve never been more happy and free than I am right this moment, and hopefully that statement will be true every day from now.

Of course no one is happy every single day, but I don’t measure it like that. We all have good days and bad days, but I mean overall happiness…

I really don’t like Christmas/holiday time… I love how there are lights and decorations everywhere, especially because it gets so dark so early in the wintertime here… But apart from that, I really dislike it. The month of December, probably even November… And the aftermath in January – just awful, if you ask me. I hate that there are so many people everywhere, and people are just acting crazy… Everyone is spending ridiculous amounts of money, and the whole focus of the season is in materialism and not love nor gratitude. That’s what I dislike. I’m not a fan of being in large crowds of people, everyone going somewhere and you’re back to back, people accidentally – or on purpose, pushing you. I just hate it. It stresses me out.

I say, I am kind of like the Grinch, but just better looking.
I guess that’s all for this post. 4 years went by fast, I’ve grown so much since the beginning in Dec. 2013.

Much love,
xoxo
LFT