Tag: anxiety

The cliff of anxiety and panic

Brain; foggy.
Eyes; flickering.
Nose; sensitive.
Mouth; dry.
Teeth; grinding.
Jaw; clenched.
Breath; shallow.
Heartbeat; fast.
Skin; crawling.

I’m confused, alerted, scared.
I’m not having fun, I’m trying to survive.

Stressed.
Shaking.
Sad.

It’s a party but it feels like hell.
Everyone are dancing and having fun.
I feel like I’m dying.

Headache.
Heartache.
Body ache.

Everything hurts.
Why does my existence hurt?
Why can’t it stop, so I can have fun like everyone else.

“I’m okay.”
I’m not okay.
I’m seriously not okay.

I’m standing near the edge of the cliff of anxiety and panic.
I didn’t realize I was standing this close.
Have I already fallen but just not realized it?

How did six hours pass?
Why have I let myself suffer the whole night until early morning?

“I’m okay.”
But I’m not okay.

Leaving.
A sense of relief and disappointment sets in.
I cry as the wind hits my face.

Freedom.
A choice I thought I didn’t have.
Blinded by fear.
Controlled by anxiety.

Please don’t hate me.
Please, it’s not my fault.
Please love me.

I’m hungry.
I’m thirsty.
I’m exhausted.

My skin starts to itch, then burn.
I’m breaking out; a rash is spreading on my whole body.
My body is talking to me.
“You’re not okay, listen to me!!!”

I listen. “I’m not okay. I have not been okay the whole night.”
I need to stop compromising my health, for passing events.
I need to love myself more.
I need to listen to myself, trust my feelings.

It shouldn’t get to this point.
This is serious.
This isn’t normal.

Listen to yourself.
Start listening.

You’re not a prisoner.
You’re not a tree.
You have legs, you are free to move – and remove.





Tomorrow, I win.

I want to win.

I want to win so badly.

I need to win.

I will win.

 

I will win now.

I am the winner.

I won.

I won it.

It’s mine.

I am the winner.

I am the winner of it all.

I won.

I have won.

The prize is mine.

Tomorrow will be a turning point in my life.

I will be the winner.

I will win.

Today.

Tomorrow.

Always.

I am the winner.

Believe it. Become it. Be it.

I will win.

The year is coming to an end.

I need it to end with victory.

It will end with a life changing victory.

It will happen.

It will.

I will win.

I have won.

I am winning.

I am the winner.

Dear Universe,

Please. I need to win. I want to win. I will win.
Please help me win. This is what I want.

A ticket. A straw.
An oxygenmask so I can breathe.

Dear universe, please let me win so I can breathe again.
I need a break from my mind and suffocation.

I need to win.

I will win.

I have won.

I am the winner.

It’s mine, all mine.

The prize is mine.

It’s mine.

It’s mine.

I have won.

I am the winner.

I WILL WIN.
I WON.
I AM THE WINNER.
ME.

 

 

 

I’m human too.

It’s like I enter a different world…

When I put my headphones on, turn the music up and close my eyes.

I’m no longer here.

I’m in a world where everything is beautiful.

Everything is brighter, warmer and sweeter.

I’m floating.

My heart and chest feels like air, it’s not heavy.

Then I open my eyes.

I wonder, should life be like this?

I shouldn’t need to escape reality to be happy.

There’s something I am doing wrong.

But if I don’t do this… This thing that I am doing right now…
Then what?

What does that make me?

If I don’t get my degree…
Then who am I?

Who am I?

Am I stressing and getting anxiety because of my studies…? Or… Is it because, I no longer know who I am and what I truly want in life?

My identity as a student is coming to an end. A long needed end… But still, who am I then?
And if I don’t finish it… Then everything I have known my whole life will be flushed down the toilet.
Who am I without achievements on paper?

Why do I need a piece of paper to tell me my worth? My accomplishments? My ambitions?

What have I done? Why am I here?
Why?

Why?

Why?

Maybe this is the true reason why I am in a constant state of panic.
Maybe it’s because I’m in fear of saying: fuck this.
My mouth says it, but my actions don’t…

What are you so afraid of?

No paper can or will ever define you.

Do it because you want to do it.
Do you want to do it?

Yes. I want to put a nail in the coffin…

That’s what my mind says… Yet my heart says:

Don’t waste another minute doing something you hate. It may be the last minute you have.

How can I preach something I don’t live? Why am I doing this?
Please universe, help me understand why I am doing this… So I can find the answer to what I should do…

“Do you believe in yourself?” the universe echoed.
I want to say yes, but I think the answer is no…

“There is your answer, child. Without belief and courage, fear will be your leader.” the universe replied.

I took a deep breath. Pushed my tears back. And realized as true as this was, I couldn’t accept it.
Fear. I am letting myself be guided with fear.
I’m sorry courage… But I think fear wins this battle… Even if it’s going against every cell in my body… Even if this is really the reason why I am hurting and sick…

Fear is definitely 80% of why I keep hanging in there and dragging myself through the mud… But the remaining 20% is me telling myself, if you can get through this, you can get through anything. If you can make this happen, if you can achieve this, then everything else will be a piece of cake. Everything else you will achieve from here is from and for the heart, and working with it is easier than what you’re doing now – working against it.

So I guess it’s final.
I’m human too. Like everyone else…
And I’m going to do this one thing, not because it has any meaning. But because it will make me stronger and help me pursue the things I truly want in life…

I may not yet know who I am…
Because ‘I’ keep changing… And I can never really keep up…
But I know who I am not.
I know what I don’t want…

And both of those are steps closer to finding out who I am and what I want…

What about you? Who are you? What do you want?

 

 

 

Dear anxiety, please let me finish this.

I’m on the verge of crying every moment.

I have tears in my eyes from the moment they open, till I close them again.

I don’t think my level of anxiety has ever been as bad as it is now.

I feel like I am on the edge…

I question my existence, my path in life, everything.

I’m not sure about anything anymore.

I know it’s the anxiety speaking.

I’m fighting, I don’t want to spiral…

But my anxiety has a grip on my heart and mind.

I’m suffocating. I am smothering myself.

For what? I wan’t to say: I quit. And be over with it. But, then what?
Then I have wasted 2,5 years? All because I couldn’t pull it together… No.

I can’t … It would be foolish.

I want to. I sure as hell want to say F*** it.

But I have to stay focused and remember why I am here today at the road that I am.

I need to see this through…

Dear anxiety,
Please let me finish this chapter of my life. It’s been going on for too long already.

Anxiety.

My heart beats faster every time you are near.
You make my mind race, I can’t think clear.

I feel uneasy in my body, in my skin.
It’s like getting suffocated by a twirl of wind.

You can’t see it, but it’s there.
You can only feel it, just like air.

It’s like a heavy burden on my heart,
an ache so strong it feels like I am falling apart.

Thoughts race in my head so fast, I can’t single them out.
I can’t tell if they’re mine or what they’re about.

I feel like a prisoner in my own head,
am I still here or am I dead?

 

 

 

If it scares you, face it.

Easier said than done – I know.

BUT… If we constantly hold ourselves back because we’re scared… Will we ever make it?

I don’t think I’ve ever taken a chance or decision and been disappointed, I’ve always walked away with something.

Follow your heart, follow your gut feeling – don’t let your fear be the decision maker.

I’m scared. I wont lie. Of course I am.

I’ve been a student my whole life, even though I thought of myself as independent I now realize, being a student makes you everything but. I am scared of having to put myself in a position now and say ‘here I am and I am qualified for this, this and this.’.
Scared. Fear. No, that’s not right…

What am I missing? Confidence. Visions. Self-belief.
I do possess all of this – however none of these are as clear as they should be or 100%, and THAT is WHY I am scared. Why else?

I have decided that I now want to sell myself – however I feel like I have nothing to sell. Damn right I am scared. Damn right I am nervous. What else? I’ve never done this before… Which is all the more reason why I should try… If I fail, so what? Failure is not bad, failure makes you wiser and smarter. You can never lose, because there is always a gain in every decision – whether it is positive or negative. In reality all incidents are positive, because it’s a matter of perspective. They may hurt, but the fact that they happened, that aspect is positive. We don’t grow if we don’t learn and we don’t learn if we don’t fall from time to time.

But I am scared. I’m not going to backdown however, but I need a plan. I can’t ‘just do it’, not this time. I feel that all this planning is what’s making me anxious, but then again… I am looking for a specific outcome – I can’t get this outcome if I don’t plan. I have to prep my mindset too.

I need to declutter my mind. I’ve been trying to, but not hard enough. I have to eliminate all distractions as much as possible. Me. I need to focus on me, and I need to define how I do that…

Sadness.

I feel sick.
I feel sick to my stomach.

I feel sad.
Yet I feel nothing.

It’s like empty space. A dark room. Empty.
With a sense of sadness to it.

That’s how I feel.

I feel empty.

Yet I feel everything.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

I feel unloved.

I feel useless.

I feel very sad.

I feel an overwhelming sadness.

Loneliness.

Lonesomeness.

Tired.

Drained.

I feel like an abandoned child.
Alone. Afraid. Sad. In need of love and affection.

I feel all alone in the world. I feel unloved. Uncared for.

I need someone to hold me, hug me, comfort me, tell me everything will work out.
I need someone to love me, support me and care for me.

Firstly, I know, I need to be that someone to myself.

I miss you. Or do I?
Why does it hurt?

Why does life hurt?

It hurts.

Every part of me is hurting.

My heart is aching. Its like the feeling of abandonment as a child is coming back. The hurt, the neglect, the loneliness.

I cant think of anyone I’d like to hold me and let me cry.
I cant think of anyone…

Maybe you. Maybe you…

 

But hey, dont worry girl… Don’t worry.
You will get through this.
You will get through this…

Pain is temporary.
Shake it off.
Shake if off…

Let it out.
Breathe.
Calm down.

Everything will be alright…

You’ll make it through this.
Be patient.
Give it time.
Give it effort.
Make it happen.

Dont think about what others have done, or are doing.

Dont think about others.
Its not about them.
Its about you.
Stop running away and putting your energy on outside sources.
Its not about them, its about you. You. YOU.

No matter what you do, or don’t do – it has nothing to do with everything that is out of your reach and control. So focus on you, what is within your reach and control.

Life is not eternal, neither is pain. A bump on the road is a temporary surprise on your route, it doesn’t steer you in the wrong direction… It just wakes you up whilst you’re moving on your path…

Your past will not hold you down, you will turn it into a strength.
Have faith, have hope, have will, have belief.
You will get through this. You will get through this as fast as you wish.
Dont you worry about that.
Worry about you.

 

Depression – current state: I Feel Like Shit

Yes. I feel like shit. 

For some reason oral exams bring me down even more. Lately though it’s not only the exams – but just my education in general. I’m sick of hanging in there. I’m not passionate about what I’m studying… And it’s not something that will lead to my ‘dream job’ … So it’s kinda hard to find the motivation… 

I feel really down today. I felt really down yesterday too. I feel bipolar these days. One day I feel like everything is going to be alright and that things are moving for the better… The next I will feel like shit and like everything is meaningless and hopeless… Today is one of the bad days. Very bad days. 

I have an oral exam tomorrow. I can’t and haven’t been able to study … I just don’t want to. It bores me. I don’t want to. I just want to sleep. I want to cry. Then sleep. Just forget everything… Not think, not feel, just sleep. I hate oral exams so much. I just want to pass. I hope I pass tomorrow… 

Today is just not a great day. I feel like life is meaningless if all we have to do is things that we don’t want to do. It’s all meaningless if the things we do don’t make us happy. What’s the point of living a life just because? I know I’m being a total pessimist, but I just can’t help it… This is just how I feel right now. Like everything is meaningless and hopeless, like there’s no meaning in forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to all the time. What’s the point? … I just want to live. Do things I actually want to do. Do things that I truly enjoy. I want to study something that makes me happy. Something that I feel is useful and meaningful to me. Something that I find super interesting… Unfortunately I’ve been studying this for almost 2 years now. I don’t have that much longer to go and then I’m done. So I can’t and won’t quit now… Because then all the suffering will have been meaningless. I just have to suffer a little while longer and then I’m done. Then I can finally start to perhaps study and do things that I want to. Things that I find interesting. 

I’m just sick of everything at the moment. I can’t help it. 

I hate how people tell me that I have no reason to be unhappy. That I’m studying at a prestigious place, I have a family, I look good, I’m intelligent and in good shape and what more could I want… It’s truly annoying and upsetting. Because in the end that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about being unhappy because of things you don’t have. It’s about being unhappy because you just are and you’re not quite sure why. 

What is depression? 
Depression is a complicated thing. It’s not something that’s black and white. Depression isn’t just ‘being sad’ or blue or anything like that. Depression is about feeling truly miserable, sad, feeling like shit, feeling really down, loss of motivation in everything and feeling so much yet so little. Depression is something that isn’t in our control. It’s not an emotion. Depression can trigger emotions, but depression isn’t an emotion. It’s not a state of mind either, it’s a mental disease. It’s something that needs to be cured, whether with drugs because of a chemical imbalance or with professional help to get everything out of your system… 

Depression is hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it. And people who think it’s a simple thing and that the depressed person is in control of their emotions are truly annoying. They may not know it and they may say things because they want to help – but it makes it all so much worse. We don’t need you to tell us what to do to feel better – because nothing you say will help. I’ve tried everything myself, I know myself, I know how it is when I’m depressed. I know that nothing can help directly… 
So stop trying to fix it, because it can’t be fixed, just listen to what we have to say. Let us be and just be there for us. 
The most important thing for me is to know I have people around me who can support me when I need it. It’s important to have someone you can tell how you feel. It’s important that you’re not alone too much… I’m trying to make everything better for myself – so I’ve moved in with my family for a little while… So I won’t be home alone and with exams and everything… 

I know that when depressed you don’t feel like doing anything – but you should push yourself and make yourself attend social events etc. Although it may not feel like it has an effect it actually does, because you’re keeping yourself active and distracted, which is good for you. Sometimes it’s good to just get your mind off of things – even it’s just for an hour. Which is quite difficult if you’re just at home lying in your bed or on the couch watching tv or just lying there. Although it might feel right – it’s not. Though sometimes if you really really don’t feel like anything at ALL then you shouldn’t force yourself. You should just do what you want to do, but just don’t hide (too often)… 

Life is just a mess at times… If only there was a source of motivation… Motivation apples… That would be great, because my motivation is at 30% … 

I need motivation and positivity… Hopefully I’ll have a little more peace after the exam tomorrow. I hope. Fingers crossed for passing.