neglect.

I’ve neglected myself.

I really have… I haven’t set time aside for myself.
I’m so worried about running, keeping myself busy… That I’ve neglected myself.
I can’t find the energy for it…

I’m tired.
I’m running out of money.
I’m frustrated.
I’m stressed.
I’m scared.

I’m… Lost.
I’m drained.
… And I’m running.
Running away… Because I can’t find the energy to do anything else, not realizing that the running is draining me more.

I know I need to ‘DO’ something. I know I need to get my shit together.
I know.

But knowing and finding the motivation to doing is not the same.

I’m tired. Tired of myself. Tired of my ways. Tired of my mind…
I don’t need anyone to accept me. I need to accept myself.
I need to really love myself.
I need to fill up my own cup.
I need to take control.

Im tired. And I’m tired of being tired.

neglect.

I’ve neglected this blog… I haven’t posted for 3 months, and it’s definitely not because I haven’t had anything to post – I definitely have…
But perhaps I’ve been tired of ‘talking to myself’… I know it’s a good thing to get your thoughts down, but to be honest… My level of energy hasn’t been at its highest.
I feel like so many people around you just suck out your energy…

It’s not right.

I’ve neglected this blog. In a way I’ve sort of thereby neglected myself a bit, because I really do enjoy writing. In fact I’ve realized that it’s one of my favorite things to do…

Anyway…
I sort of want to make blogwriting a habit again – and then I sort of don’t.
At the moment I’m trying to figure my life out, myself and happiness… So the last thing I need or want to do is to add on things on my agenda – such as this.
So I guess I will only be posting from time to time, when I have the energy and need for it.

As of right now, I’m happy.
I feel free.
I have goals and reason to live.
So as far as I’m concerned I’m only moving towards better things now, and I have no intention of moving backwards at all.

I’m on the pursue of happiness. And I can tell you one thing, if you’re not happy now, you will never be… UNLESS – you change YOU. You cant change anyone or anything but yourself. It all starts with YOU. As cheesy and cliché as it might sound – its true.

You cant change anyone but yourself. And nothing changes unless you change something… So dont expect change in your current situation without changing up something, because obviously what you’re doing now is not working if you’re not happy.
So don’t neglect yourself.

YOU are important. If you don’t find the love within yourself, you will never be able to give love to someone else. And yes this statement is very true. Although many people love others even though they don’t love themselves – they don’t realize that it’s not actual love… Because if you don’t learn to love yourself, then you can’t love others genuinely. Your idea of love becomes twisted, and what you define as love is actually not love but: need. Then it’s about the need to be accepted, the need to be loved, the need to feel safe etc. etc., so you try to get this by giving all of this to someone else… And all it does is drain you, you just don’t realize it – yet.

Life is complicated. Life is hard. And so is the mind and psychology. But true happiness lies within yourself. It’s not something you can achieve through external factors, its all internal.
So once you start looking inwards, once you start doing things for YOU and changing to become a better version of yourself… That’s when it all starts, and the feeling is absolutely amazing…

So don’t neglect yourself.

Upset.

It’s never about the people that are with you through the good times, it’s about those who are there through the bad.

Anyone and everyone can and want to be there when the sun is shining, but what about when the storm comes? When the sky turns grey and starts raining. When the wind comes and rages, and not much is left after. What about then?
That’s when you need someone, thats when it’s essential, that there’s someone to plant new seeds that will grow when the skies slowly disappear and the suns ray are welcome once more…

Today, Sunday February 1st 2015.
Dear Luke,
here’s a little view of the inside of my head, some thoughts… Things I can’t say, not now at least… Maybe I’ll never get to say it …
I’ve been with you the last 2 weeks, since you were injured. I came to the hospital, although it was far away from me and I didn’t have to… But I wanted to. I decided to stay in your home, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. To keep you company, since you couldn’t really go anywhere… To take care of you. I’ve cooked for you. Cared for you. Helped you.
Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, because I love you.
I basically put my life aside for you. There was training that needed to be done, which didn’t happen. I set it aside for you. Friends I was supposed to see, which I didn’t, I postponed. Things I had to do, but I didn’t, because I decided that being with you was more important…
I did it because I care.
I did it out of love.

Today.

Today I came home. Because tomorrow I have a job interview early morning. Because tomorrow I start my last semester.
Today I got some bad news and I’ve been down.
Two weeks. Two weeks is a long time of not doing anything, almost nothing. I’m on the verge. I’m glad that today was the last day of doing nothing, because quite frankly I can’t not do anything a day longer.

I’m upset. I’m upset about a lot of things…
I’m upset I haven’t worked out. I’m upset my body isn’t how I want it to be… That aside.
I’m upset about my current living condition, but I’m trying to deal best as possible.
I’m upset that life doesn’t always go the way I wish it would.
I’m upset that my so called friend, so called even best friend (girl) let’s name her Nora, is an asshole.
I’m upset that I generally don’t have that many people around me, as it seems as everyone else does.
I’m upset that I feel a little neglected by you.

I’m upset that you can find energy to go out with your friends, but you can’t with me. Now your friends might be able to pick you up by car and with me its bus or train… But you’re no longer in such bad shape that it’s impossible… Therefore I am upset.
I am upset that I’ve kind of made you my number one, but I’m not yours. I don’t feel like it anyway.

Friends are important. But so am I.
If you don’t invest enough, the payback won’t be great enough either. It really is like a financial investment. Only this one is emotional and perhaps lifelong.

I’m upset that I feel like I can’t talk to you. I want to. But I don’t feel like I can…

It upsets me how you talk and say the most amazing things, but I don’t always feel like you live up to the things you say.

Maybe we’ve spent too much time together where I’ve felt trapped… I don’t know…

Good to get a break.

But right now, I’m just upset with you…