Dear anxiety, please let me finish this.

I’m on the verge of crying every moment.

I have tears in my eyes from the moment they open, till I close them again.

I don’t think my level of anxiety has ever been as bad as it is now.

I feel like I am on the edge…

I question my existence, my path in life, everything.

I’m not sure about anything anymore.

I know it’s the anxiety speaking.

I’m fighting, I don’t want to spiral…

But my anxiety has a grip on my heart and mind.

I’m suffocating. I am smothering myself.

For what? I wan’t to say: I quit. And be over with it. But, then what?
Then I have wasted 2,5 years? All because I couldn’t pull it together… No.

I can’t … It would be foolish.

I want to. I sure as hell want to say F*** it.

But I have to stay focused and remember why I am here today at the road that I am.

I need to see this through…

Dear anxiety,
Please let me finish this chapter of my life. It’s been going on for too long already.

What do I want? What to do?

I can’t seem to figure things out lately… What do I want?
I’m not sure. Do I want Eric? Do I want to be free to date?
Do I just want to be single and ‘play the singles game’?

What do I want? I don’t know… I can’t figure it out.
I’m not in love. I really aren’t…

So many guys. So many options. Yes, I am a very wanted woman. Without sounding like a dick, I’m pretty wanted on the market. And once you get to know me, I’m hard to get over.
I’m just very likeable, on top of my looks.
I’m pretty amazing. For the first time ever I can tell myself this, I am pretty damn amazing.
I’m an amazing creature. I’m a wonderful person. I am just fantastic… So I understand that any move I make is ‘dangerous’ … Because I’m not one who likes to hurt people. I’m just not like that…

But I’m in doubt. I can’t figure out what I want, or don’t want.
Right now I can’t figure anything out… Everything is messy in my head.

What to do?

Time will hopefully give me a clear answer.

Are you complete?

You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. If you don’t love yourself, why should someone else?

Things I’ve heard and read so many MANY times – they’ve even sort of become cliché. Am I right?

… I guess it’s true though?
Do I love myself? I’m not sure. It is in fact a really difficult question to answer… I do like the person that I am, I like the way I think, my level of intelligence and my skills. I like my hair. Im starting to like my body. I guess my face is okay – I have my days, sometimes I think: ‘Hey, I’m pretty good looking’ other days I’m like: ‘I look like shit. I’m not that pretty.’ … Although people tell me I am pretty, beautiful, hot and whatever – it doesn’t really make a difference to me, because in the end their opinion doesn’t matter and doesn’t influence my mind (I’m very stubborn too). Anyway… So I guess I kinda love myself, but not 100% … My level of self-confidence is pretty low. My level of happiness is … well, low too.

I was having a conversation with someone I know yesterday about happiness. He said he actually doesn’t know anyone who’s truly happy. Why is that? Is happiness just an illusion? Something we strive for? Or is it real? Maybe we don’t experience it because of our expectations…

I think happiness comes from feeling complete. When you don’t feel complete you’ll always be in search of something and when you’re in that state you can never truly be happy.
Me personally, I feel a void, in my life and in myself. I feel empty inside. Something is missing. The big question is just: what?
What is it that’s missing? I have no idea. Reality is I have a list of things that I wish for and WANT to do, but I have no idea what I in fact NEED. I have no idea what it is that’s missing. I’m still in search.
I wonder if I can ever be happy. I strive for perfection – which is an illusion, perfection doesn’t exists. It leads to feeling incomplete and not good enough. It leads to feeling like you’re unsuccessful. Striving for perfection is a wrong way of living. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. Until I accept this fully I won’t be able to move on and figure out what it is that I need to make myself complete. It could be anything and everything. I have no idea. To me, at this very moment, it feels like searching for a needle in a haystack – almost impossible.

I wonder if there are any people that are truly 100% happy with their lives and happy in general.
I wonder if there are people that are complete.
I wonder if true and eternal love exists.
I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy.
I wonder what the meaning of life is.
I wonder what to do, to find myself.
I wonder how long my journey of figure out myself will take.
I wonder why I am such a mystery – even to myself.
I just generally wonder a lot.