Doubt

When doubt doesn’t leave your mind …

Yea.
It’s not that great.
The saying in punctuation was always ‘when in doubt, leave it out’…

Does the same go for anything else ?

I know that when I’m in doubt about a purchase, I usually leave it, I don’t buy it – in case I’ll regret it.

Does the same go for love though? Relationships?

I feel like it kinda should imply to everything right? Or no?

I really want to give Olly a chance… But I just feel like … I don’t know.
Perhaps I like having A person… With emphasis on the ‘a’ … Meaning that whether it be him or someone else, doesn’t really matter much …

I’m searching for someone I can be with when I want to, need to, have sex with… But not emotionally etc. tied to…

I honestly don’t think I’m ready to ‘settle down’ or to be committed… I don’t think I want to or am ready to.

That’s what I’m starting to think about myself…

I feel like, if you don’t fit my profile… And you’re not perfect… Then I’m out.
And I know no one is perfect, but for me to be willing or ready to settle – then that’s the criteria. Perfection. Almost.

Otherwise you’re not giving me enough reason to stay.

I’m starting to doubt that this will work…

I keep finding this I don’t like and kinda comparing it to my last (and first and only) relationship. I compare him to my ex. Now whilst I want to kiss Olly and have sex with him, which I didn’t with my ex, then I feel like everything else is perhaps the same…

I don’t know. Perhaps I expect too much. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I expect much, but I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to critique yourself. Either way, if my expectations are too high – again its because I need reason to stay. Because I look for reasons to run.

I don’t feel like I’m capable of loving … And thereby not capable of being loved.
I’m not sure what it is…

But there is this one thing that has just stuck to my mind, it was a video by Tyrese Gibson… Where he talks about infidelity, cheating…

Not that I belong in that category… But it was just the fact that he was saying when someone is curious (thirsty?) they will cheat no matter how perfect their partner is. Because its inevitable, if you’re curious you’ll feed that curiosity…

Now for me it won’t be about cheating. It will be about committing…
It made me think, as long as I’m curious I won’t be able to really commit.
As long as I wonder about what there is out there?
Does the ‘perfect’ man exist?
I mean I’ve heard it more than once now that I am perfect.
That I’m the perfect woman.
So if I can be more than one persons perfect woman, then there has to be a perfect man for me too? Right?

Or is it because I’m searching for perfect, that I strive to be myself? Im not sure…

All I know is that doubt is over me.

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Im a mess…

Im hot … Then Im cold…

Im starting to think that I don’t really want to get in a relationship with number 4 aka Olly…
I think I actually might not even want anything to do with him…

Problem 1: I booked a flight almost as soon as I got home from the last trip.
Problem 2: I was really high on … I don’t know? Some hormone of a kind.
Problem 3: I’m going there this thursday.

Now I can’t figure out if I’m turning cold because of the distance?
Will feelings etc come back when I see him?
Am I turning cold, because Im scared? Because I wanna go?
Is it because Im not ready to commit?
I have no idea…
I just know , that Im not feeling the thought that much anymore…
At least not right this moment…

Fuck.

That’s all I’m thinking.
Here I am thinking that I’m not in a relationship.
But Im not dating others either, because I don’t test different waters at the same time…
But in his mind we’re in a relationship… And he’s madly in love. And in his mind, he dreams of marrying me, and Im the girl of his dreams…

Fuck.

Why do I get myself into this kind of shit all the time…
Although, I guess its  not my fault… Its not my fault that he feels how he feels.
I would never intentionally hurt someone…
But now Im starting to wonder is it lust or love?
Was it all lust?
And now whatever was there is gone?

Guess I can’t tell till I see him…

This trip will be the deal breaker… Either I won’t want to see him again, or we’ll be in a relationship…

But to be honest , I’m not sure I’m ready to commit…
I want to travel, I want to be free… Meet people. Make out with whomever I want, not that that’s the most important thing. But if I want to, I want to be able to do so…
But then again … If this guy is what I want and right for me… Then all that won’t really matter, will it?

Oh gee… At least this one lives across the border and not in the same city as me.

… I feel really bad about feeling like this…
I can’t figure out if its just the stress and fear of commitment and hurt… The distance…
or if this is just how I really feel… If the whole ‘phase’ has passed and Im back to normal…

Time will tell. As I keep telling myself with everything…

Love. Independence. Life.

It’s hard to stand on your own. 

It’s hard to be alone. 

It’s even harder when you wish to share your life with someone. 

Brings sadness to my mind, tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. 

Tear after tear. 

I wonder if this is what I want. 

Tear after tear. 

I wonder if I should just give up. 

Give up because I’m scared. 

Give up to see if you really care. 

Give up to prove to me that you give a damn. 

Maybe it’s childish. 

Maybe it’s cruel. 

I can’t figure it out. 

I don’t know what I want. 

I don’t know what I don’t want. 

I don’t know what to do. 

All I know is that currently my heart belongs to you. 

All I know is that being in your arms right now would do me so much good. 

All I know is that I feel alone. 

I need somebody to love. 

I need to be loved. 

I need to be cared for. 

I show my love by taking care of you. 

But in the end I seek someone who will take care of me (too). 

I’m done with being a mother for a supposedly man. 

That’s where my fear lies. 

I don’t want to repeat history. 

I might just as well choose my past instead then. 

Being independent is not always full of joy, glory or pride. 

Independence is great. But it can bring you loneliness. 

You can and therefore do everything on your own. You miss out. It’s a lonely place to be. Whilst it’s great to be ABLE to do everything yourself. It’s really lonely to actually do everything yourself. 
It’s nice to have someone. It’s nice. It’s not something you NEED in terms of getting on with your life, but its nice, it’s something I WANT. 

 

It’s difficult. 

I have a weakness for love. 

Maybe it’s because I have a certain vision of life. 

I can’t figure out where to find happiness. 

Right now, this moment, all I know is that I’m sad. 

I’m sad being apart from Olly. 
It makes the tears roll down my cheeks. 

I can’t figure out if it’s love? 
Is it the illusion? 
Is it something else? 
Is this really something? Or am I making it something it’s not? 
Do I wish for love so much that I am faking it to myself? 
I cannot figure it out. 
All I know is that we’re far apart. Which makes my heart bleed. 

My thoughts are with him day and night. From the moment I wake up, to the time I close my eyes and enter the land of dreams. 

I think of nothing else. 
I daydream of nothing else. 
All I want is to be in his arms. 
A hug. 
A kiss. 
Cuddle. 
To feel loved. 
To feel like we’re the only ones in the world. 
To feel like nothing else matter but us. 

I want to find happiness. 
I want true love. 

 

Sometimes I wonder if guys like me for me, or for what they see. 
Do they fall in love with my mind or my looks…
It’s awful. 
Makes me feel like I’m not good enough as a person.
Like my looks make up for all the flaws I have. 

I don’t know… 

I wonder and over-think too much. 

I can’t help it. 

Sometimes I think my wishes are simple. 
But perhaps they’re not. 
Although they kind of are. 

I wonder if a child will make me happy. 
If I child will give me what I need. 
If a child will full fill the need I have of giving love and receiving it. 

But financially I am neither ready or stabile enough for a child yet. 
Also I would never want to make a child without knowing the father would take part. 
I want to raise my child with a husband by my side. 
I dream of that perfect family picture. 

Then I fear… That I might not be able to have children. 
That would be the absolute worst. Seeing that I love kids and having my own would be the absolute biggest gift in the world and in life. A gift I would love to receive. 
I hope I am one of the fortunate. 
I really do.