What do you want from me???

A little old but still gold ❤
I love this song, but lately it has appealed to me in a different way, spoken the words on my mind – even though there isn't much lyric to it.
'What do you want from me?' is a question I keep asking myself about Matt. Honestly. Even now, he's still messing with my mind. All I want to know is: what do you want?
Once again, nothing he does or says makes any sense.

The other day he was leaving work, for some reason he came to my spot, where I was standing all alone, and leaned against the table. "Hey" he said, "Hi" I replied. Then he looked at his iPad and was doing something. *Awkward* silence. No eye contact, nothing, he was just standing there. Then he said: " Oh well, I'm off, gonna go outside and enjoy the weather. See you."
… Uhm .. Right, okay? … Why? Like … After everything, why would you want to come over where I am and just stand there? No one else was there… Like what do you want? If I was him I would just stay away, put on a show when other people are around, but otherwise just don't … I mean seriously, what is it with him? Is there something he wants to say, but can't? Is he doing it to be annoying? Is it because he wants me to react? I don't understand it at all!

Moving on.

This weekend there was an office party. I was late. Oops. Anyway… I showed up, everyone else were already there, I think people had had a couple of beers – some more than others. Everyone were like heey!! … Then he saw me "Hey (my name)! Nice to see you!" in a very happy and loud manner, then he came over and hugged me…
Uh … What?
WHAT IS GOING ON?! … I understand NOTHING, not even a bit of what he's doing… I literally don't get it…

I think that he likes me… But then again .. Why does he have a girlfriend then?
I mean what about all the things he said before all of this? It seemed so genuine. But was it? I don't know… I can't tell whether the things he said then were lies or truth. It seemed so genuine to me. I feel like he does have something for me … But then again … Why all of this?
But then again , why did he want me to believe he didn't have a girlfriend … And why does he keep approaching me … Why won't he leave me alone when he sees me?
Im so confused. Some of the things he does signals that he doesn't like me like that, then other things signal that he does… Although everything he has said signalled that he did… None of the things he ever said signalled that he didn't … Only some of his actions did and do…
I wonder what's going on in his mind…
I hate the fact that I even care… What is it about him, that makes it so difficult for me to just let him go … He's an ass. Look what he has done, he's an ass, I shouldn't have anything for him … Honestly my level of respect and liking for him has dropped… But it hasn't become none existent.. Which it should… Annoys me that I'm not rational about this and him …
My mind is messed up.
What do you want from me?

I don't think I'll ever know if I don't ask. But do I dare to?
And how do I ask?
What if I'm putting too much into it? But then again, his behavior isn't normal… Any other person (even myself) would stay away from the other person, unless it was needed in order to not awake any attention … Gossip is awful at our workplace, so show is needed in order to not let the secret out. In that sense I would get it… But when no one's watching and the hug and everything… Not necessary … So why ?

What do you want from me?


Return of the Matt

… Okay well that’s ‘return’ as in here on the blog and not physically IRL. 

I haven’t blogged in a while and I haven’t blogged about Matt in a while. 

Oh gosh … So many has happened. I’m not even sure I want to ‘talk’ about it, yet I’m not sure I don’t either. So here I am… 

I think it might be a good idea to get some of the things out here. After all this is a venting spot for me. 

I don’t even remember the last thing I told you about Matt… Anyway who cares. 


So after I had sex with him, we didn’t have the chance of meeting again… Then a lot of complications and then he went cricket on me. As in I didn’t hear from him at all. I kept telling myself that it was because of the situation he was having with a place to stay etc. 

Little did I know… That he was apparently dating someone. I found out last week, or perhaps it was the week before that, that he had a girlfriend. They had at the time been together for around a month… Which could only mean that he was dating her at the same time when he was seeing me… Which made me wonder, why? … He knows what type of person I am, I told him sex wasn’t just whatever to me and yet still? I don’t get it. Anyway … Then he’s confronted with the fact that I now know he has a girlfriend, and when our colleague asked him: ‘So how is it going with you and your girlfriend?’ he replied: ‘We’re not together anymore’. Then his phone rings, and he says: ‘oh now that we’re speaking about her, she’s calling.’ and our colleague said: ‘Well it can’t really be over as such then, if she’s calling you?’ he replied, laughing: ‘it is, she just doesn’t know it yet’… Hmm… What?! 
Now… Today in fact, he made it ‘official’ and public on Facebook that he’s in a relationship with her – again, what?! 

Nothing he ever says or does makes any sense. He’s such a douchebag. Why would you say something like that? I don’t get it. Just because I was there? So what? Doesn’t change shit. If you have a girlfriend, you have a girlfriend, period. 

Oh and why would he say ‘She’s mine’ to one of our male colleagues when he has a freakin’ GIRLFRIEND. WHY? Oh lord, no one has ever driven me this mad. I don’t understand anything, nothing at all. 

I’m not even sure how I feel in general anymore… I don’t know if I’m mad, upset, just disappointed, heartbroken, indifferent… I don’t know. I just feel used, I feel played and screwed over. 

He’s not a nice guy. 
He tried to convince me that he was a good guy, he’s not. He lied. I fell for it. I’m an idiot. 
Mistakes exist for a reason – to teach. I’ve learned from this. 
Don’t ever believe, don’t have too much faith, don’t be naive … Not everyone are honest people like yourself. People use other people, just because you don’t, doesn’t mean someone won’t try to do it to you. That’s the lesson for me. 
I have too much faith in mankind. I don’t even know anymore… 

This is sort of the 2nd time this has happened to me. It makes me feel insufficient. The first time it happened, the guy came running back to me after… We’ll fuck you, I aint your number 2 and I never will settle for that. If I wasn’t worth being your first choice, then you’re not worth another minute of my time. That’s that. 
I’m stubborn. Second chances don’t happen that often, if ever, when it comes to me. Fuck up the trust and faith I have in you and that’s pretty much it. Friends might get another chance, but guys? No. Forget it. 

That was a sidetrack. Anyway … So that’s that. 

Wasn’t the way I wanted or expected this to go down… But it did… I just have to get over it. 
I’m bummed that I was ‘used’. I’m bummed I let him be my 2nd. I’m bummed I let him in my life in any way. Although I know I shouldn’t be, I can’t help it. I will get over it eventually though… But yea. 
I’m still hurt. This didn’t help my self-esteem the least bit… But, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I will be a stronger person once I’ve overcome the hurt, and wiser. 

Sometimes it’s just best to listen to your gut, because its probably right about its feeling. 

Lesson in short: A stitch in time saves nine.