I played him.

You know you’ve played someone when you’re not on the same page and it’s because of something you did… 

*smack* … I’m smacking my forehead as I think of this situation. 

The only thought going through my mind is: ‘FUCK, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK… Fuuuuuck’ – and no it’s not the good kind of fuck, but the I’m-such-a-fucking-idiot-I’m-in-trouble kind of fuck. 

I want to just be friendly/friends with this guy. Not even as in let’s hang out friends, but more like let’s be normal when we meet one another – especially in the gym… Oh god. I feel so … URGH. You know that feeling? When you can’t say much, but you feel like ‘urgh’ and ‘FUUUCK’ and … sort of nauseous? … 

… Guys that like me whom I don’t like ‘that way’ make me feel nauseous… Is that weird? 
I’ve always wondered if I’m the only one who feels like that… 

Anyway … I can’t believe I’ve let myself end up here. 
WHYYYY? Why did I agree to hang out with him… Why oh why did I make out with him? Which was sort of inevitable when I decided to meet up with him. *Smack* … I’m such an idiot… 

He texted me saying: ‘It’s a little weird how you don’t want to talk that much anymore since we were together’ … And that is together as in hangout nothing more (okay and make out – but thats it!) … When I got that text I just thought ‘Nooooo, why? Why did you have to bring it up?! … What to say, what to say…’ 
As that thought might’ve (or might not?) have revealed – I am super bad at confrontations. I’m soooo bad at them. I avoid them. Almost at all costs. I prefer communication to be more indirect. I would’ve preferred for him to just ‘get the message’ from my behavior rather than point it out. I would’ve loved for him to just back off a bit… Too clingy … Too … Not my type… 

PDA … Yea apparently he likes that. Safe to say that I DON’T – and let me emphasize that, it’s a DON’T with the largest letters on Earth. I HATE PDA. 

Last time I saw him in the gym. He came over and sort of leaned over, I pushed him gently by placing my hand on his chest, ‘can’t I give you a kiss?’ he asked. ‘Uhh… No’ I replied. 

He makes it all so awkward. Please, can’t you just leave it be… 

I know it’s my fault, but still… Have some dignity dude. Don’t try so hard, especially when you can see I’m giving you almost NOTHING to work with. 

I’ve played him. I feel like he’s fallen hard. I feel guilty. Fuck. 
*Smack* … I’m an idiot. 

I don’t like him… At all. Not in that way at least… I don’t find him being attractive, his personality doesn’t attract me… He’s nice but he’s not for me – not as a partner… Just… No. 

The only man on my mind is Matt… *Sigh* 
He is the only guy that has ever had me crazy like this. I like it and hate it. I have no idea where we stand. 
Yesterday he made the oddest comment whilst I was standing and talking to a colleague (1st day at the job since forever, we’re talking a couple of years, so naturally the staff has changed… The guy wasn’t someone I had talked to before, but he was my buddy for the day to get me started and introduced to the new system etc. – anyway back to the original story and comment that Matt made).
“She’s mine” he said confidently and looked at him. 
I just thought, ‘what?’ … I don’t get it! It was the first time I’d seen him since we first had sex … It was quite a confusing event… 
The guy never contacts me, but as soon as he sees me with another male, he says ‘she’s mine’ … 
 I don’t know… I have no idea whats going on in his life, so I can’t judge or say anything about the lack of contact in that sense… But it’s things like this that make me confused. 

I wonder if he’s had sex since he was with me. It would be naive to think he hadn’t – but I still wonder… 
Most of all I wonder what’s going on in his head… He’s worse than me. 

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Happiness – an illusion?

So easy to say, yet so complicated to understand.

Ever thought of what happiness actually is? Lately I’ve been wondering what happiness is, what it means to be happy. It’s so easy to say ‘I’m not happy’, which is what I tell myself a lot of the time… I say I’m not happy, but then I can’t describe and define what happiness is, I just seem to know (feel) that I’m not.

So what is happiness?
Honestly I don’t know. Is happiness living in a tropical paradise? It sure does seem like it would bring one joy and happiness – but would it really?

I think no matter the circumstances we will always find something or some reason for why we’re not happy?

Sure it would bring me joy to be living in a tropical paradise, not having to work or anything – no obligations ergo no stress. BUT joy and happiness is not the same thing… Now as much as I would love to dream about such a life, I think to myself – would that bring me happiness? The answer is no.
The only way to ever be truly happy is when you’re at peace. At peace with everything, past, present and the possible future. Unless you’re at peace with your life and yourself, then you’ll most likely never be happy. Not even with the perfect life: no economical stress, no obligations, real love and family etc.

Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to ever be at peace? Can it be achieved?
Stress brings us down. Is stress avoidable in this world we’re living in? I think not, unless you’re a monk or something extraordinary as such.

Anyway … I’ve decided that it’s time. It’s time for me to find a little peace. It’s time for me to deal with my past, the issues that are embedded inside my mind and the things that sit heavily on my heart.
Sometimes you can’t deal with things on your own. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’ve postponed. I’ve tried to forget and to move on, but sometimes willpower isn’t enough. You can’t control the results of trauma… You just have to deal with it, to live with it. I haven’t done that yet.
I’ve decided to try out therapy, to see if that can bring my mind at ease. Make me understand myself better. Make me understand what it is that makes me depressed, sad, angry and torn apart. What it is that makes me feel like I’m never good enough. What it is that makes me unable to communicate without crying. Why I cry and can’t talk when I wan’t to express myself to someone who’s hurt me…

I need to figure out who I am.

Who am I? And what do I have to live for? What is the purpose of my life?

Player? or not?

Player.

Is it someone who gets around? Someone who is in contact with a lot of people (women?) at the same time? Someone who sleeps with someone new every week? Someone who plays someone else and their feelings?

These days it seems like the word covers quite a few things… It can be one or the other or even everything at once?
I used this term fairly loosely the other day, not realizing the many meanings and definitions behind the word. To me it was just meant as a guy who gets around – a guy who’s a ladies man. A guy who has a lot of girls ‘at hand’ so to speak…
But the person I was speaking to had the understanding that it only covers a person who plays another persons feelings, by e.g. leading them on to thinking there could be more than is… Made me think twice before using that term again…

So the question I’ve had ever since is, am I a player? I look and think ‘oh that guy is a player’, but what about myself? I mean… I don’t do anything intentionally – but that doesn’t mean I’m not a player… Although I don’t feel like I lead anyone on very strongly, in the sense that flirting and friend zone is alright?

So I hung out with this guy today… He’s really nice and all that, but I’m just not that into him and he’s not really my type. I don’t think he’s attractive… I really don’t. He has a nice height and body, but his face… Not so much.
Anyway appearance aside, he asked if we should hang today… I didn’t really want to , but for some reason I felt like I couldn’t reject him (I’m bad at these things). Anyway I was scared that he would want to kiss me etc. and I guess I was right…
He tried, I didn’t want it to go that way, so I rejected… It became a tad bit awkward, he was very touchy and I had a hunch this wasn’t going to go right… And guess what ? I was right!

… We ended up kissing, then making out… I haven’t had sex in so long – IM HORNY, lets just be honest here.. So dry-humping happened too (yea, no way I was going to have sex w. him) … Anyway I kept thinking of Matt… Because reality is … I don’t want to spend that kind of time with anyone else than Matt – which is pathetic. I don’t even think he’s that into me… And frankly I don’t even care much about that. I just want to have sex. I want Matt to sex me real good. Anyway going back to the guy I was with today … I regret everything so much! Gosh … I think he’s getting all kinds of thoughts. I know I’ve sent the wrong signal… Now I have to figure out how I will be able to fix this mess… I am so not into him, at ALL. Not only that, I’m not looking for a relationship nor do I want to have sex with him … I’m in trouble. Deep shit. Gosh why? Why did I have to do it? Why do I keep doing things without knowing why???

Am I a player? I’m starting to think I might be, unintentionally …

I need to change some things… Oh god. This is so not good. So NOT good.  Fuck.

What’s on your mind? Just say it.

There’s been this video going around on facebook about how we try to communicate with someone we like… But instead of being honest and straightforward we try to seem ‘cool’ and careless. We don’t want to show our real emotions… 

That’s how I feel… I want to be able to say, look I feel like absolute shit. I feel so sad and yet empty inside and I don’t know what to do… But I can’t. I feel like it’s “whining”… Like Im looking for pity or something. Although Im not… But I’m just afraid it’ll seem like it… I just want to be able to express myself – to the people that matter to me. To the people I communicate with regularly… People that mean something to me… 

I make everything so difficult. Sometimes I make things harder than they are… I just don’t ever want it to seem like I’m weak… Because I’m not. I can’t be and won’t be. Ever. I’m not at a breaking point now because I’m weak… It’s because I’ve been strong on my own for too long. I’m carrying too much weight on my shoulders by myself. It’s impossible not to reach a breaking point sometime in life… 

I had a dream not long ago… A quite peculiar dream in fact… I was attending a concert, all of a sudden I was offered VIP. So I went. But then I had to leave to get something to drink and snack on. At the supermarket the cashierlady was suspicious of my friends and accusing them of being shoplifters and wouldn’t let them in the store. But I was good, she didnt mind me. So I went and got all the things we needed. When we came back to the venue we didn’t have any proof of being VIP. So we weren’t let in as VIPs… We couldn’t let it go. It resulted in trouble and we basically had to make a run from it. We split. Very weird situation. 2 guys were chasing me. And I was jumping from one end of the building to the other through balconies – yes very strange! Anyway … I ended in a room that seemed far away and safe… The room was connected to another room… As I wanted to secure my location, I went to see what the other room was all about. There I saw that some people were gathering around a table to have a meeting. There amongst all the people I spotted a familiar face… I couldn’t believe it. It was my grandfather. He looked at me and said my name. I still couldn’t believe it. I said: ‘grandpa?’ . He came towards me and I went down on my knees and hugged him as tight as I could. Then I started crying. He stroked my head and said ‘why are you crying? Don’t cry.’ 

Then I woke up. 

 

The ugly truth: Jealousy.

Jealousy is such an ugly thing. 

But it exists… At some point most of us feel jealousy in one way or another… 

I just realized that I’m jealous… At the same time I’m questioning whether I’m really just scared or feeling something else? Or maybe other feelings are triggering the jealousy… 

All I know is that it’s hard to be single and friends with your ex and still love them… Yes, I was the one to break things off… No, I don’t regret doing that… Yes, I love him. Of course I do! He was a good boy but we just aren’t meant to be. I do really love him though…

Which makes me sort of want him all to my self and yet not. I mean it’s that feeling of ‘ownership’, like ‘he’s mine’ but I don’t want him but you can’t have him either… 

It’s an ugly truth that I’ve just had to face… 

I slept with someone else and he’s just going out and meeting girls and texting and snap chatting with them and I’m f****ing jealous! WHAT?! … It’s crazy??? I don’t want him to want me in that way, yet I don’t want him to want someone else. I don’t want him to love someone else, the thought of someone else becoming his no. 1 is heartbreaking. But why? I feel so stupid. 

I don’t want to feel this way but I can’t run from the fact that this is how I feel… 

Nothing makes sense. None of what I feel makes sense, it’s mixed feelings… I want and then I don’t want. 

I don’t want him to date someone else yet I f****ing had sex with someone else. I seem to hold a double standard! I hate that. 

I don’t know… I guess feelings mean more than sex, or I know that it’s like that… The thought of him loving someone else kills me. 

I hate feeling like this. I feel super jealous. I wan’t to be his one and only, yet he’s not even mine… I sort of wish he was though, because he’s a pretty good guy. It’s a shame though… A shame that we’re not in match, in my eyes at least. 

I feel like I can’t function without love. I want to be able to though. I want to be able to not care and not want a guy in my life… But I can’t … And I don’t like just any guy – because then I wouldn’t have an issue… 

I seem to want something I can’t have… At least not yet… 
Why do I crave love so much? 
Why do I need interaction with a guy in a romantic sense to be ‘happy’ or ‘satisfied’ with my ‘life’ so to say. I don’t know why… And it annoys me! I am a strong woman, independent – yet not? I mean I don’t NEED a man, but I want one. I want to have a man in my life, not necessarily as a boyfriend but just someone I can hang with, have sex with… I like affection, cuddling and being lusted… I’m not that abnormal, am I?