Return of the Matt

… Okay well that’s ‘return’ as in here on the blog and not physically IRL. 

I haven’t blogged in a while and I haven’t blogged about Matt in a while. 

Oh gosh … So many has happened. I’m not even sure I want to ‘talk’ about it, yet I’m not sure I don’t either. So here I am… 

I think it might be a good idea to get some of the things out here. After all this is a venting spot for me. 

I don’t even remember the last thing I told you about Matt… Anyway who cares. 

 

So after I had sex with him, we didn’t have the chance of meeting again… Then a lot of complications and then he went cricket on me. As in I didn’t hear from him at all. I kept telling myself that it was because of the situation he was having with a place to stay etc. 

Little did I know… That he was apparently dating someone. I found out last week, or perhaps it was the week before that, that he had a girlfriend. They had at the time been together for around a month… Which could only mean that he was dating her at the same time when he was seeing me… Which made me wonder, why? … He knows what type of person I am, I told him sex wasn’t just whatever to me and yet still? I don’t get it. Anyway … Then he’s confronted with the fact that I now know he has a girlfriend, and when our colleague asked him: ‘So how is it going with you and your girlfriend?’ he replied: ‘We’re not together anymore’. Then his phone rings, and he says: ‘oh now that we’re speaking about her, she’s calling.’ and our colleague said: ‘Well it can’t really be over as such then, if she’s calling you?’ he replied, laughing: ‘it is, she just doesn’t know it yet’… Hmm… What?! 
Now… Today in fact, he made it ‘official’ and public on Facebook that he’s in a relationship with her – again, what?! 

Nothing he ever says or does makes any sense. He’s such a douchebag. Why would you say something like that? I don’t get it. Just because I was there? So what? Doesn’t change shit. If you have a girlfriend, you have a girlfriend, period. 

Oh and why would he say ‘She’s mine’ to one of our male colleagues when he has a freakin’ GIRLFRIEND. WHY? Oh lord, no one has ever driven me this mad. I don’t understand anything, nothing at all. 

I’m not even sure how I feel in general anymore… I don’t know if I’m mad, upset, just disappointed, heartbroken, indifferent… I don’t know. I just feel used, I feel played and screwed over. 

He’s not a nice guy. 
He tried to convince me that he was a good guy, he’s not. He lied. I fell for it. I’m an idiot. 
Mistakes exist for a reason – to teach. I’ve learned from this. 
Don’t ever believe, don’t have too much faith, don’t be naive … Not everyone are honest people like yourself. People use other people, just because you don’t, doesn’t mean someone won’t try to do it to you. That’s the lesson for me. 
I have too much faith in mankind. I don’t even know anymore… 

This is sort of the 2nd time this has happened to me. It makes me feel insufficient. The first time it happened, the guy came running back to me after… We’ll fuck you, I aint your number 2 and I never will settle for that. If I wasn’t worth being your first choice, then you’re not worth another minute of my time. That’s that. 
I’m stubborn. Second chances don’t happen that often, if ever, when it comes to me. Fuck up the trust and faith I have in you and that’s pretty much it. Friends might get another chance, but guys? No. Forget it. 

That was a sidetrack. Anyway … So that’s that. 

Wasn’t the way I wanted or expected this to go down… But it did… I just have to get over it. 
I’m bummed that I was ‘used’. I’m bummed I let him be my 2nd. I’m bummed I let him in my life in any way. Although I know I shouldn’t be, I can’t help it. I will get over it eventually though… But yea. 
I’m still hurt. This didn’t help my self-esteem the least bit… But, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I will be a stronger person once I’ve overcome the hurt, and wiser. 

Sometimes it’s just best to listen to your gut, because its probably right about its feeling. 

Lesson in short: A stitch in time saves nine. 

“Quitters never…

“Quitters never win. Winners never quit.”
– Vince Lombardi

I keep reading everywhere that exes can’t be friends. I do realize that it’s not optimal… Nor is it realistic that me and my ex will keep being friends forever. I just thinking cutting it all off at once is too extreme. He needs the time to heal before letting go completely, quite frankly so do I.

We still see each other almost every morning to work out. But that’s it. We don’t really text throughout the day as we have in the past nor do we spend time together in the weekends. We don’t spend time together other than in the gym. Training together is really not intimate or anything in any way. We’re just there to make sure we do everything right and to push each other – we’re just training partners.
I also did read that a relationship between opposite sexes which doesn’t include intimacy (sex) isn’t really a relationship but more of a friendship… Which is also one of the reasons why I don’t think its terribly awkward or wrong for us to be friends, we’ve basically been that for so long now anyway…

I was texting him to figure out what time we’re supposed to meet tomorrow… Oh the irony… My phone then freezes (was in my inbox) and as weird as it is… It acts up and the only name out of all the messages in my inbox that doesn’t show is his… I know it’s probably just a coincidence – most likely because he was the last I texted before it froze… But still… The irony …
As if the universe is telling me that its time to just let go. 

Honestly, I don’t think I’m completely ready to do that just yet… In the end he wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. We really have counted on each other so much. The trust, the bond, the fact that we knew we could count on one another no matter what… It’s hard. It’s so hard to let go. For now I’ll just keep him as my training partner. I think it would be too much of a change to cut that out too…

 

I had a meltdown yesterday, Sunday, I’ve been so determined not to grieve that I’ve suppressed my feelings…  Yesterday I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was home alone the whole day… Normally if I’d have him there… But I didn’t. I was all alone. Had nothing to do and was feeling down. Right before it was bedtime for me I just broke down. I started to sob and cry my eyes out. Quite literally … I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t get more than 5 hours of sleep or so. I woke up today and my eyes were so swollen… But the good thing is that it made me feel so much better. I haven’t cried in so long, I really needed to.

It felt nice to just let it all out, allow myself to be sad… Allow myself to be sad about being lonely… I felt the loneliness and I am heartbroken. Heartbroken that I’m alone. Heartbroken that it didn’t work out the way I wish. Heartbroken that I knew I had lost my friend even though we still train together. I’ve lost my best friend. The only person in the world I trusted with my life 100%, the only person I’ve ever been myself around 100% because I felt that comfortable… It’s heartbreaking to know you have to let it all go, that it’s not there anymore. Yes, maybe it will come again some day with someone… But right now it’s not.
My heart was aching. I felt so lonely. Loneliness is a god-awful feeling. I felt bad from the alcohol the day before as well… Alcohol always makes me nauseous no matter the amount; I didn’t even have a lot to drink… Besides that it always makes me sad and depressed the day after, so I conclude… No alcohol for me! If ever, only a glass of something for the sake of socializing…

Oh life.  Life is tough on us.
I’ve been running from these feelings for a long time. It’s time to just face them and take the pain.
No pain no gain. That goes for fitness as well as life. 
If you avoid pain you won’t gain any experience. You won’t become smarter, stronger etc.
Running never solves anything. It only makes you miserable and at unease.

It’s time for me to grow up completely. I need to face my fears one at a time. I’ve made myself that promise. I won’t let myself down and I never quit.

As the quote says it …
“Quitters never win. Winners never quit.” 

That’s me. I never quit. I’m too stubborn and determined to do so…