I am angry.

I guess I never really realized that I’m angry. Perhaps, a better way of wording it is, that today I realized that I am angry.

I have this deep anger inside me, a rage, it doesn’t really show to the outside world – but I feel it, and it’s furious.

It’s angry, the anger comes from let down. It comes from not feeling seen or heard. It comes from being neglected. It comes from feeling unloved, unworthy and abandoned.

I’m angry.

I am angry.

And it’s okay to be angry, as long as you don’t hold onto it.

But it’s hard, it’s hard to let go of anger, it’s hard to turn it around…

Until you realize, that it’s ok to be angry and feel anger.

Give space to the feeling, be angry, feel anger to its fullest.

If you must; yell, scream, break things.

Let it out.

Then let it go.

You will see, as with any emotion; if you don’t suppress it and instead welcome it, it will pass – like a cloud in the sky.

Be angry, no one gets to decide whether your feelings are justified or not – and they don’t need to be. As long as you’re not being self-destructive and as long as you’re not letting your emotions hurt other people. Be angry, but don’t lash out at others.

I am angry.

I AM ANGRY.

I am hurt.

I am sad.

I feel lonely.

I feel unloved.

And that’s okay.

Because I know, these feelings shall pass.

Just because I feel things, doesn’t make them true, even if they feel real.

Today, I am giving space to my emotions, rational or not.

You are a stranger

Do you feel the way I do?
Do you think about me too?

Are you confused or are you clear?
Are you driven by love or by fear?

Do you want more or do you want less?
Do you show to tell or is it to impress?

I can’t figure anything out.
All I know, is that I’m full of doubt.

I don’t trust strangers with my heart.
I did it once and it was torn apart.

Who are you and what’s your deal?
What do you want from me, what do you feel?

I wonder if true love is even real.
If it is, could it make my heart heal?

My heart isn’t broken, it’s just dead.
It drowned in all the tears I shed.

The past is the past and we’ll leave it there.
But I’ll still wonder about the present, and if you care.

Do you lust me or is it more?
Have you ever done anything like this before?

You are a stranger, yet you’ve touched my lips.
A stranger, who has caressed my hips.

I don’t know who you are, or what you want.
I don’t know if I want to know, cause we may not bond.

You are a stranger and I have no feels,
I put on my clothes and start the wheels.

 

 

That is what love is.

Love is not supposed to be a fight.

Love is not supposed to be forced.

Love is not supposed to be difficult.

Love is not the same as lust.

Love is not the same as infatuation.

Love is not the same as hunger.

Love is not in sync with control.

Love is not in sync with demands.

Love is not in sync with mistrust.

There are so many things that love is not,
which is because: love just is.

Love just is.
That is what love is.

emotional bonfire.

My heart is pounding.
Beating away.
Like a boxer beats a bag.
Like a woodchuck chucks.
Like a tap-dancer’s tapping.
I can feel every beat.
Every beat is just a little more powerful than the last.
I feel the pounding in my chest.
I feel the pulse through my body.
I can feel the beat crawling from my chest, up my neck,
my face, my ears.
The heat slowly crawls its way up to my head.
My ears are burning.
Red and warm, the pulse is pounding fiercely through them.
My breaths are becoming more shallow,
like I’m gasping for my last breaths.
A huge wave of emotions rises and washes over me.
Sad.
Happy.
Excited.
Stressed.
Confused.
The salty drops are gathering together in the corner of my eyes.
One glimpse and two warm drops roll down my warm blushed cheeks.
I keep my eyes closed.
I feel everything.
I put my hands to my heart.
I feel your presence.
So far, yet so close.

the universe played a role in You&I.

The universe has a funny way of bringing people together.
I firmly believe that nothing in life is a coincidence.

Meeting you, perhaps the meaning of that was for me to help you on your way.
Perhaps it was for you to understand.
Perhaps it was for us to have each other for support.

I can’t tell what made me make the decisions I made.
I can’t tell why I decided to get to know you.

Perhaps I can’t even say if it was ever love, that kind of love.
I can tell you one thing though; there was something I couldn’t pinpoint.
There was something I could feel, that I’ve never felt before.

That something.
That something was the reason why I was drawn to you.

It was and it is, a something I don’t think many people feel.
It’s like, it was meant to be.
It’s like the universe for sure had planned that you and I meet.
it’s like the universe made sure, that I could feel this feeling in my gut.
This feeling, which isn’t love, which isn’t explainable.
This feeling which just makes sure, I don’t let you go.

I was told the feeling, the thing I couldn’t pinpoint, was that I was in touch with my masculine side, and you so with your feminine.
And therefore we are the same, and the opposite.
The same because we are in touch with both sides, the opposites because we are not the same gender.

Do I love you?
Its really weird, how I cant say yes, but I cant say no either.
Most importantly, I won’t say I don’t know.
Because deep down I know the answer, and the answer is yes and no.

I care for you, deeply. I love, our connection.
However, if I have to feel it deep down in my gut right this moment, do I love you?
No. I don’t feel in love. I don’t feel that ‘feeling’. But very importantly I am not driven by my ‘bad habits’.
I don’t spend time with you, because I don’t know how to be alone.
I don’t spend time with you, to use you for what I cannot give myself.

Have I learned to love myself yet? No.
I am not there yet. I cannot this moment say, I love myself fully.
But one day I can, when that day comes, I will be ready to love.
The same for you.

You cannot love anyone, unless you love yourself.

I wanted you so badly to be my one.
I wanted you so badly to understand what life is about.
I wanted you so badly to be the man I was in need of.

In the middle of all my selfishness, I forgot you, I forgot who you really were.
I didn’t love you for who you were, I loved the illusion of who I wanted you to be.
I didn’t see you for you.

Now, now things are different.
You’ve changed. You’re still changing.
You’re still not the man I am searching for.
However I always saw potential in you, that feeling.
And now I know I wasn’t wrong.
You are still not that man yet, but I am sure you will become that man.

So after all Universe, you made me his eyes, you made me see what he couldn’t see.
In the end Universe, I’ve finally understood, that I was supposed to be the key to open up the lock.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt about anyone, the way I’ve felt about you.
I had this vision, which I believe, was of your future.
I can already see it unfold.

I knew your potential, before you knew it yourself.

Do I love you?
Yes, I love the man I know you will become.
There is not one ounce of doubt in me regarding that.

Perhaps I was never in love with who you showed the world you were.
Perhaps I was in love with you on a level out of this world.
I think I was in love with the future you, I could feel his presence so deeply in my heart that I was hurt because he was so far away. He was trapped, imprisoned by whoever was standing before my eyes.

It is no coincidence that you and I met.
It is no coincidence.

We may not be for one another now.
We may not be for one another ever.
Or we may. Only time will tell.
But one thing is for sure, we will always be something for one another.
No one can take that away.

You are not just anyone.
You activate a gut feeling in me, that tells my instincts, that you are not just anyone.

We have to evolve on our own.
But we don’t have to be alone.
But we cannot find the love within each other or others, if we don’t find the love within ourselves.

Maybe you are one of my soulmates, perhaps we don’t just have a single one.
Perhaps we have many.

I just want you to know, that I want you in my life.
I don’t want you as a partner right now.
But I want you in my life.
I think the Universe has brought us together again.
If we drift apart, I have a feeling the Universe will bring us back together again in the future…
You and I met for higher reasons than why most people do, that I what I believe.
The Universe has it all planned out.

social media complexities.

We’ve all got insecurities.
We’ve all got complexities.

We all pretend we’re not insecure.
We all pretend we don’t have complexities.

We like to pretend that we are full of self confidence.
That our self esteem is as high as can be.
That we are happy.
That everything couldn’t be better as of right now.

We want to convince the world that we are great, we are beautiful, we are everything nice with an addition of spice.
We want to pretend, and we want them to confirm our play-pretend.

We yearn to be accepted, confirmed and loved.
Fake acceptance, confirmation and love.

We’re blind.

We’ve become so good at lying that it all seems as real to us as it does on the screen.
We’ve forgotten what the reality of things are.

We’ve forgotten who we are.

Who am I?

Who am I, if I am not that person that portrays themselves on social media?
Who am I, if I do not get at least 100 likes?
Who am I, if I don’t get more likes or follows than ‘that other person’?

Who am I?
Who have I become?
Who is this play-pretend person?

It’s not me.

This person looks confident, unbothered and happy.
This person, that bears my face.
Behind that facade lies the pieces of a person with low self-esteem, insecurities, acceptance-seeking issues and negative thoughts.

Who are we without social media?
Who are we when we’re not on display?
WHO are YOU?
WHO am I?

You don’t know me.
I barely know me.
Even if you knew me a month ago, I am not the same anymore.
I am on a journey.
Everyday I am changing.
Changing towards the better.
As every day passes, you will know me less and less.

I am not who you think I am.
I am not who I’ve portrayed myself to be.
I am me. A me that has yet to come out.
You will see.
You will experience this ‘me’, but you will never truly know me.

Sadness.

I feel sick.
I feel sick to my stomach.

I feel sad.
Yet I feel nothing.

It’s like empty space. A dark room. Empty.
With a sense of sadness to it.

That’s how I feel.

I feel empty.

Yet I feel everything.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

I feel unloved.

I feel useless.

I feel very sad.

I feel an overwhelming sadness.

Loneliness.

Lonesomeness.

Tired.

Drained.

I feel like an abandoned child.
Alone. Afraid. Sad. In need of love and affection.

I feel all alone in the world. I feel unloved. Uncared for.

I need someone to hold me, hug me, comfort me, tell me everything will work out.
I need someone to love me, support me and care for me.

Firstly, I know, I need to be that someone to myself.

I miss you. Or do I?
Why does it hurt?

Why does life hurt?

It hurts.

Every part of me is hurting.

My heart is aching. Its like the feeling of abandonment as a child is coming back. The hurt, the neglect, the loneliness.

I cant think of anyone I’d like to hold me and let me cry.
I cant think of anyone…

Maybe you. Maybe you…

 

But hey, dont worry girl… Don’t worry.
You will get through this.
You will get through this…

Pain is temporary.
Shake it off.
Shake if off…

Let it out.
Breathe.
Calm down.

Everything will be alright…

You’ll make it through this.
Be patient.
Give it time.
Give it effort.
Make it happen.

Dont think about what others have done, or are doing.

Dont think about others.
Its not about them.
Its about you.
Stop running away and putting your energy on outside sources.
Its not about them, its about you. You. YOU.

No matter what you do, or don’t do – it has nothing to do with everything that is out of your reach and control. So focus on you, what is within your reach and control.

Life is not eternal, neither is pain. A bump on the road is a temporary surprise on your route, it doesn’t steer you in the wrong direction… It just wakes you up whilst you’re moving on your path…

Your past will not hold you down, you will turn it into a strength.
Have faith, have hope, have will, have belief.
You will get through this. You will get through this as fast as you wish.
Dont you worry about that.
Worry about you.

 

I am ungrateful.(am I?)

I am ungrateful.

I am ungrateful when I wake up in my bed.

I am ungrateful when I turn the tap and clean water comes out.

I am ungrateful when I plug in my electronics.

I am ungrateful when I open the fridge and take something out.

I am ungrateful when I eat.

I am ungrateful when I drink.

I am ungrateful when I taste.

I am ungrateful when I hear.

I am ungrateful when I speak.

I am ungrateful when I see.

I am ungrateful when I move.

I am ungrateful when I am independent.

I am ungrateful when I am healthy.

I am ungrateful.

No.

I am not ungrateful when I remember to be aware of my abilities and my privileges.

However by never remembering how lucky I truly am, how privileged I truly am, I am unconsciously being ungrateful.

We all take things for granted each and every day.

You woke up 10 minutes late – SHIT! … How about, it happens, but at least I woke up today. Somewhere, someone, did not have the privilege of waking up today.

You ran for the bus, yet you still missed it – FML! … How about, you’re so lucky that you have somewhere to be to actually care about missing the bus? And most importantly, you had the ability of running. You have legs that function and you can run and walk as you please.

Gratefulness, positivity, appreciation.

You are lucky. Unlucky are those who do not take responsibility, is that you? You are not unlucky because you missed the bus – you just didn’t manage your time well enough, if that was the bus you were SUPPOSED to catch.  If it wasn’t, then its more like ‘ah bummer! Oh well. Having caught it would’ve only been a bonus, no loss or harm done.’ Always try to ad a positive spin to things, instead of running to negative twists and thoughts – they wont do you any good anyway, so what do you need them for?

 

to and fro.

I guess its funny how I find myself being so ambitious and yet so unenthusiastic.

I feel like I am so extraordinary that I can do extraordinary things, I feel like I am not an average person. I feel like I will succeed at heights that are quite unimaginable by many of my friends.

At the same time I feel stupid. I feel like I’m inexperienced. I feel like I have NO idea of how to execute the type of job I imagine myself occupying…

And then… Then I think, well what are my goals and dreams just exactly again?

I’m so confused. I’m so disorganized. So out of touch.

Like honestly, I’ve been meaning to tidy and sort my bedroom and clothes up for weeks… And I haven’t. And every time I look at it, or go to bed, it annoys me.

It annoys me – yet I can’t get my act together to do something about it.

I blame it on the fact that there isn’t enough room.
That this home is temporary.
That I don’t feel the room and therefore I don’t feel like caring for it.

Lets be honest, these reasons are all stupid. Because when something bothers you, you should really just get it over and done with…
However the above mentioned complaints are all true, however no excuse for not getting my act together.

… I just don’t feel like I have peace.
I feel like I don’t have a home and that feeling has haunted me forever.
I just want a place, where I think “I like this”.
Somewhere where the location is nice, the home is nice… Where I then decorate it, I design the interior and so on. I give it a touch of me and a touch of home – and a touch of permanency… “The perfect home”, it doesn’t even have to be big. It just has to be somewhere where I feel free and I feel at home. A place that makes me want to keep it tidy… A place where I feel like it can be held tidy because there is in fact room for everything…

I just wish I had an unlimited amount of money.
I wish.

Dear God, can I please win the lottery?

too tired.

Too tired to express.
Too tired to think.
Too tired to feel.

Lately I’ve just been too tired.

Too tired to live.
Too tired to care.
Too tired to do.

I want to think about how I feel, I want to think about why I feel what I feel.
But I am too tired.
Too tired to truly care.

“I love you”, she said to herself, “but right now I cannot deal with your mind. I’m too tired.”