social media complexities.

We’ve all got insecurities.
We’ve all got complexities.

We all pretend we’re not insecure.
We all pretend we don’t have complexities.

We like to pretend that we are full of self confidence.
That our self esteem is as high as can be.
That we are happy.
That everything couldn’t be better as of right now.

We want to convince the world that we are great, we are beautiful, we are everything nice with an addition of spice.
We want to pretend, and we want them to confirm our play-pretend.

We yearn to be accepted, confirmed and loved.
Fake acceptance, confirmation and love.

We’re blind.

We’ve become so good at lying that it all seems as real to us as it does on the screen.
We’ve forgotten what the reality of things are.

We’ve forgotten who we are.

Who am I?

Who am I, if I am not that person that portrays themselves on social media?
Who am I, if I do not get at least 100 likes?
Who am I, if I don’t get more likes or follows than ‘that other person’?

Who am I?
Who have I become?
Who is this play-pretend person?

It’s not me.

This person looks confident, unbothered and happy.
This person, that bears my face.
Behind that facade lies the pieces of a person with low self-esteem, insecurities, acceptance-seeking issues and negative thoughts.

Who are we without social media?
Who are we when we’re not on display?
WHO are YOU?
WHO am I?

You don’t know me.
I barely know me.
Even if you knew me a month ago, I am not the same anymore.
I am on a journey.
Everyday I am changing.
Changing towards the better.
As every day passes, you will know me less and less.

I am not who you think I am.
I am not who I’ve portrayed myself to be.
I am me. A me that has yet to come out.
You will see.
You will experience this ‘me’, but you will never truly know me.

Clear answers.

Oh how she wish that there were clear answers.

Not that she wanted clear answers from anyone, at least not anyone but herself.

She wish she could give herself the answers she sought.
But sometimes clear answers are hard to find, and difficult to give.

So what was she desperate to find an answers or two to?

Love.

What is real love?
When do you know that it’s the right thing?

Some people say you just know when you see the person… Others say that you find out with time. Can you live without this person or not?

She was confused.

Was she happy with him. Yes.
He made her happy. He was a good match.
Was things moving a little fast. Indeed.
She wish it hadn’t, but it had, so now there wasn’t much to do about it.
You can’t change what has already happened.

But she saw her life as being good single, and alone.
At the same time she saw her life being good with him too.

Now… Problem with her was, she had envisioned this single life, being free. Having no strings attached, no one to hold her back. The freedom to travel anywhere, anytime, do anything. Not being held accountable for perhaps meeting a charming guy abroad and having a hot fling…
That was the fantasy. The life she envisioned she would live as a single woman. As an educated, mysterious, attractive woman.
She knew she could get anything and anyone.
So the glamorous life, the sex and the city themed kind of life, wouldn’t be all that difficult to achieve.
It seemed very attractive.

At the same time…
She dreamt of the happy family life.
Of course traveling was always her dream.
So she dreamt of seeing the world before having children…
But she dreamt of having a lovely husband, and having kids, and living that happily ever after kind of life.

Indeed. She couldn’t wait for the day to get pregnant and have a little precious one. Someone she would love unconditionally for ever.

But… She wasn’t ready for it yet – although she couldn’t wait for it to happen…

 

So… What did she want?
She didn’t even know herself.

Sure she had found a great guy, Eric, but still… Nothing seemed certain in her mind…
She didn’t want to leave him – but couldn’t figure out what seemed more appealing to her…
Being alone? Doing whatever her heart desired? Finding herself?
She looked at it as a spiritual journey.
She believed that kind wasn’t quite possible with a significant other, but who knows…
She was torn, but riding the wave destiny had handed to her.
She was just going to see where it took her, and let things be…
Because in the end there’s a reason for everything, and also…
Time will tell the way 😉

 

 

“I know myself” she said

I wont fall in love she said. I don’t fall in love that easily.

I’m not in love she said.
I don’t have those kinds of feelings.

I just casually enjoy his company she said.

Not realizing, his presence had become an addiction.
Like she promised herself she wouldn’t repeat.
Once again, like any other addict, she fell into the trap.

The difference?
She was aware, she was fighting – she didn’t let in to old habits.
She was determined to change.
She was determined to be independent.

When she thought about it, really thought about it, she wasn’t ready to commit.
She still wanted and needed her freedom. All this attention, if not now – then when? She didn’t have many more years to waste. It was almost a ‘now or never’ kind of deal.

She was confused.
She didn’t know what the difference between need and being in love was.
So how could she truly tell if she ever fell in love?

Did she like him? Sure.
Did she feel territorial… Indeed.
She didn’t want to share. Why? Because she always won, she always got her way.
She was that girl that was all that, so being beat by someone seemingly less – was not in her intention.
Maybe that was what it was all truly about.
She didn’t feel an exceptional connection with him, not physically, not mentally.
The only thing that had her attention, was the fact that other females had their eyes on him.
That’s where all the excitement was.

But wasn’t this for the better?
Or was she trying to convince herself that this was the truth?
She didn’t even know herself.

Confused. Out of touch.
She didn’t really know herself that well after all…

I wonder…

I do wonder sometimes… Is there anyone out there just for me?
Is there that one person, that will make me fall head over heels and make me feel like that always?
When do you know?
Do you just know when it happens?
Or… Does that feeling not exist? Do you just find someone that just makes you happy, content, average kind of ‘love’?
I mean… Does that extravagant kind of love even exist? Or is it just people that can deal with each other, enjoy each others company and so, that are together ‘forever’. What is real love anyway?
Love aside.
I wonder the same thing when it comes to friends – I haven’t been able to find a good friend. A loyal friend, a friend I can always count on and trust.

Am I just picky with people? Or what is it…
Perhaps I’m looking for connections that don’t exist. Perhaps I believe in something greater than the average, but perhaps thats unreal. Maybe average is all there is?

Who am I anyway? I do wonder.
I know what I am.
I am an amazing person. Loving. Caring. Thoughtful. Trustworthy. Honest. Kind. Intelligent. Smart. Beautiful. And more.
But who am I?

Who am I?

I feel like I’m nobody at the moment.
If I don’t know, how will others know.

I am me.
But who is ‘me’?
Thank god I am on the journey to find out the answer to this.
No one said it would be easy, and it certainly isn’t.
Many thoughts, many ups and downs of which most are downs.
But I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the end.

What do you want?

Simple.

Or is it?

Often many of us don’t know the answer.

At least when it comes to our future.

Sometimes even when its regarding simple decisions.

You walk into Starbucks and glance at the menu, you glance above the heads of the baristas. What do I want? What do I want today? Will I be bold and try something new? Kinda getting tired of the same old iced coffee with sugar free vanilla syrup. Should I be bad and order a frappuccino loaded with calories? No! Don’t forget your goals, what do you want? To be fit? YES! No no no, no frappuccino… Guess I’ll just have the usual then.

But… is that really what you want?

Sometimes we fall into habit. Sometimes we’re blinded. We misguide ourselves. We lose ourselves.
We no longer understand or trust ourselves. What do you want?
“What do I want?” you ask yourself. The answer? In my case it’s often “I don’t know”.

Because I don’t have the time or energy to really think and spend time on figuring out what I want, what I really want. Then we all sit and wonder why we’re not happy, not that we’re necessarily unhappy – but we’re not really happy either. We might be satisfied, we might also just be content. But is that really enough? Don’t most of us seek happiness, true happiness?
And if we continue to pursue and never find, will we then ever be truly happy?

It all starts with you.

It all starts with me.

I have to figure out what I want.

What are my goals?

What are my short term goals?

What are my long term goals?

What do I expect to achieve through what I am currently doing?

Why am I doing the things that I am doing?

What am I looking for at the moment?

What am I not looking for at the moment?

What do I want?

What is it I really want? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to achieve? What will make me die and say that my life was and is complete?

I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do or didn’t say.

I want to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do with my life, where I want to be and where I want to end.

Perhaps that will bring me a step closer to happiness?

Who knows.

You never know, till you try – right ? 🙂

Lost myself somewhere on the journey

I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to write. I used to write poetry. I used to write lyrics. 

I used to express myself artistically.
I used to express myself through my hands.
Let the art and thoughts come to life through my hands. 

But now… I’ve lost myself. 
I’ve died inside. 

I look back and I get upset. 
Upset at how I no longer do these things. 
Things I used to enjoy. 
Things I enjoy. 

Time. 

Time is what has let me turn my back to myself. 
It’s all about time. 

So much to do. 
So little time to do what I want to do. 

Most of my time and energy goes on things I don’t want it to. 
Things that I have to do, but don’t like. 

They’re slowly killing me. 
All I think about is time. 

Only one year left till I graduate. 
Then I’ll have time.
Time to draw. 
Time to paint. 
Time to write. 
Time to travel. 

But will I? 

Money. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Money doesn’t in itself bring you happiness – I agree. 
But money brings you freedom. Financial freedom. And that can bring you happiness. 

Who doesn’t want to be free? 
Not be tied down because of financial reasons? 
Who doesn’t want to do what their heart desires, rather than what their economy needs. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Education brings in good amount of money. 
Education is a pain. 
No pain no game. 
No pain no gain. 

It’s an evil circle. That traps your soul… 

At least the soul of the creative ones. Here lies no safety. 
You can’t depend on money coming in from creativity – unless you’re lucky. 

“You have to have a ‘real’ education and a steady job” 

You have to pay your bills. 
You have to… 

Money is essential to surviving in this world we live in. 
Nothing is free. 

Seems like not even kindness is free anymore… 

What a world. 
What a life. 

All I think about now is time. 
I just want to finish my bachelor. Then figure out what I want. 
I’ll take a year off to work and figure things out. 

But I wonder… Will I find happiness? 
Will I have time? 
Will I have time to unfold artistically? 
Will I have time and opportunity to evolve artistically? 

Or will working drain me? 
Just as my studies do? 

Will I ever have time? 
Will I ever have the energy? 

“success is about dedication. You may not be where you want to be or do what you want to do when you’re on the journey. But you’ve got to be willing to have vision and foresight that leads you to an incredible end.”
– Usher 

 

I love this quote. It really puts words to my situation. Its perfect . I love it. 

At the moment this quote is what I’m thinking… I’m not where I want to be yet, but Im only on the journey to getting where I want… 

I have to do what I do now, to achieve what I vision later… 

That’s just reality. 

 

Are you complete?

You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. If you don’t love yourself, why should someone else?

Things I’ve heard and read so many MANY times – they’ve even sort of become cliché. Am I right?

… I guess it’s true though?
Do I love myself? I’m not sure. It is in fact a really difficult question to answer… I do like the person that I am, I like the way I think, my level of intelligence and my skills. I like my hair. Im starting to like my body. I guess my face is okay – I have my days, sometimes I think: ‘Hey, I’m pretty good looking’ other days I’m like: ‘I look like shit. I’m not that pretty.’ … Although people tell me I am pretty, beautiful, hot and whatever – it doesn’t really make a difference to me, because in the end their opinion doesn’t matter and doesn’t influence my mind (I’m very stubborn too). Anyway… So I guess I kinda love myself, but not 100% … My level of self-confidence is pretty low. My level of happiness is … well, low too.

I was having a conversation with someone I know yesterday about happiness. He said he actually doesn’t know anyone who’s truly happy. Why is that? Is happiness just an illusion? Something we strive for? Or is it real? Maybe we don’t experience it because of our expectations…

I think happiness comes from feeling complete. When you don’t feel complete you’ll always be in search of something and when you’re in that state you can never truly be happy.
Me personally, I feel a void, in my life and in myself. I feel empty inside. Something is missing. The big question is just: what?
What is it that’s missing? I have no idea. Reality is I have a list of things that I wish for and WANT to do, but I have no idea what I in fact NEED. I have no idea what it is that’s missing. I’m still in search.
I wonder if I can ever be happy. I strive for perfection – which is an illusion, perfection doesn’t exists. It leads to feeling incomplete and not good enough. It leads to feeling like you’re unsuccessful. Striving for perfection is a wrong way of living. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. Until I accept this fully I won’t be able to move on and figure out what it is that I need to make myself complete. It could be anything and everything. I have no idea. To me, at this very moment, it feels like searching for a needle in a haystack – almost impossible.

I wonder if there are any people that are truly 100% happy with their lives and happy in general.
I wonder if there are people that are complete.
I wonder if true and eternal love exists.
I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy.
I wonder what the meaning of life is.
I wonder what to do, to find myself.
I wonder how long my journey of figure out myself will take.
I wonder why I am such a mystery – even to myself.
I just generally wonder a lot.